My Feelings (Part 2)

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current mood:

right now I'm feeling......ok......sad......lonely......depressing......

*sighs sadly and looks down trying to hold back tears* my ex/best friend/sister(not blood sis but I like to call her my sis)has officially left me, I've tried everything in my power to help her, and she just pushes me away repeatedly, and now she's left me, the argument we the other day was very overwhelming, then after that I have another friend, who is also my ex but I"ve claimed him as my little brother and he's dating one of my friends who has suffered a lot, he's so depressed and broken apart, that I feel like I can't fix him, I've tried so hard, all of this, plus my depression I'm dealing with because of my past and how it has effected me, then I have finals this week and next week, some of my friends haven't spoke to me in days, and to top that off, this guy I just met, wanted me to be his gf, saying he's not like the other guys or whatever, I manage to tell him my past, and he's been nice and comforting to me, then when I finally say yes, it's like we started dating and then broke up, when we started dating, he hardly talks to me as if we did break up, I only manage to get a couple of words out of him, so I told him I couldn't stand the silence anymore, and that we were done, cause I'm not sure what I did, and I'm starting to think that being nice and comforting was just an act, all of this piling over the problems I'm already dealing with, I feel so alone and unwanted, hardly anyone is speaking to me, people are leaving me, I don't know what to do anymore, I just I feel so alone, unwanted, useless and unloved........I feel like a unless and unwanted failure.....

last night, I had a rant, where was just ranting out my feelings while I'm in my room alone, I just idk how to feel anymore....I just....how can I try to solve other peoples problems, when I can't even solve my own problems, I just....I can't help it.....I wanna be able to help people, and stuff, help them to escape this dark pit of depression and madness.....I may not be able to help myself but I wanna be able to help others, let them rise to the shore while I sink and drown in my own problems....al of this is just so overwhelming....I don't care if I do hurt myself in the process.....I just....I can't help it....I mean...what is wrong with me.....I don't have any hate for anyone but myself....I want to use all my love on everyone else so much that all I have for myself.....is hate.....

that's true but.....how can I help the broken one....when I'm broken too.....there are people out there that are so depressed and broken down and apart that....I can't seem to help them.....how can I help them.....when I'm one of them.....I feel so useless and pathetic.......I don't even know how to feel anymore.......