In A New Life [Lams]

Chapter 16: Again? Again? Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

A/N: I AM SO FUCKING SORRY THAT IT TOOK ME TEN MONTHS TO GET THESE CHAPTERS DONE OH MY GOSH SADNESS HIT ME THIS YEAR REALLY BADLY AND I'VE BEEN STRUGGLING

"What the fuck do you mean we're going on a double date with Thomas and his little bitch?" John practically screamed at me the next morning when I told him the texts we had exchanged.

He claimed I had betrayed him.  I could see what he wasn't.  I knew deep down I had betrayed him.  That was something I had done.  Honestly, I felt like I'd betrayed myself.  That is, if it was even possible to feel like you  betrayed yourself.

"I don't know what I was thinking."

""Clearly," he snapped coldly, shooting me an icy glare.

"Well it's tonight and I told him we would try to make it.  Shouldn't we. . . I don't know, try to forgive him and move past what happened with Eliza?"

"God, Alex, you are the biggest fucking baby I have ever met.  Honestly, I cannot believe you.  You're the one who almost punched Thomas--"

"No I didn't," I interjected.

"Yes you did.  I could feel it in how tensed you got when we were talking in Washington's office," he counter pointed.  Damn, he got me there.  He continued his rant as if I had never interrupted him.  "You're also the one avoiding Eliza at every turn she makes.  I'm having a really difficult time believing you all of a sudden want to just randomly turn over a new leaf -- just like that.

"Is there something I'm missing?  Are there underlying feelings for one of them that I'm missing?  That I'm just too damn blind to see?"  John was yelling now.  He rarely yelled at me like that despite all the times I'd fucked up.

I shouldn't have been crying --I had no reason to, I didn't deserve to express my emotions like that.  He had every right to react how he was.  Fuck, I didn't deserve him.  John Laurens, who's middle name could be pie because of how fucking sweet that boys.  He didn't need this -- a boyfriend with anger issues the way I have them and didn't get sucked into all the drama with girls that like him.  He didn't need to be worrying about him mentally unstable boyfriend -- worried about what I was going to do.  He should have someone who would be sweet with him and knew how to control their emotions and weren't going to be fighting half the grade everyday.  All of that would come to mind as I watched him process the thought of that I might not like him back -- whichc wasn't at all the case.  I wanted nothing to do with either of them.

"You didn't just say that.  John, you should know that isn't true.  I only care about you."  I moved toward him to catch his hands in mine, trying to scoop his lips in a kiss, but he backed away from me.  Not even allowing me to get anywhere near him.  "Laurens, I can't explain it.  I was tired.  Wasn't thinking.  If you really want me to, I'll cancel the dinner."

John's eyes raked over my body with a look of hurt.  "Y --you called me. . . Laurens. . .um. . ."  I didn't think he knew how to react.  He seemed really taken aback by my use of his last name.  "Uh, cancel if you want -- I should go."  He grabbed his bag, hiked it over his shoulder, and headed for the door.  I tried to call and chase after him, but he ignored my shouts and when I caught up to him, I put my hand on his shoulder.  He didn't like it.  If I had been in front of him, he would have body checked me with his movement.  I knew it was just to get away from me.  

"John, baby, please.  Please, don't do this.  It was just a slip of the tongue."  That got him to stop.  He whirled around to me.

"You wanna know why I'm so hurt by you calling me by my last name?"

"Yes."

"Because it's what you called me when we were strictly friends -- just bros.  And when we starting dating, you started calling me by my first name.  Like I meant more than just a friend to you.  And I'm already afraid you want to leave me for Thomas or Eliza -- and you just.  It's dumb, but it made me think that maybe you're just starting to think about breaking up with me.  That you don't want to be together anymore?"