In A New Life [Lams]

Chapter 18: "Always"

A/N: okay so first of all, TW for mentions of mental and domestic abuse, and also I'm sorry for getting your hopes up about Eacker in previous chapters, he is going to be a lot less relevant than I thought he would be when I was originally planning this story out.  Also, two chapters left here we go!!! Should be done by the end of next week if I can properly stay on top of everything.

He was on the steps of the school in the morning.  He was probably waiting for Hercules and Lafayette.  To be honest, I wasn't entirely sure.  To be completely real, it didn't matter why  he was there -- just the he was.  I was going to walk back to him.  I wouldn't be side tracked.  I was going to apologize, and he would accept my fucking apology.  He was unreasonably upset.  He had to have known I didn't initiate the kiss.  

As I got closer to him, I could focus on his face better, and make out the features in his face.  His freckles that formed constellations when connected, his bright blue eyes trained on his drawing with such intensity.  He couldn't hear me coming up to him though.

The earbuds he had in were blasting his usual classical music.  It helped him focus while he drew.

I placed myself in front of him; silent.  If I had announced I was going over towards him while I was walking, he would have walked away.  He would have seen me when he looked up to check whatever the subject of his art was.  Or when the bell rang, whichever came first.  

A minute passed, and then another one.  He was engulfed in his drawing.  Or he saw me, and instead was intentionally ignoring me.  The bell rang.  He slowly put his stuff in his bad, not breaking contact with the concrete.  Even slower than putting his things in his bag, he stood up.  Our eye contact was intense and severe.  Deliberate.  We just stood there, looking.  Searching.  The speech I had prepared got lost in the void that opened up in my throat.  My mouth hung open.  John made no sort of indication he knew me.

The gaze boring into my head drifted to the left and his harsh look melted, just as my heart did.  A smile spread, showing off his straight teeth.  John moved his body around mine.  That was the only acknowledgement he hinted at in regards to my existence.  

I watched as he walked towards a few guys I recognized.  Honestly?  I was surprised.  Burr was among them.  It shocked me because John told me Burr was his manipulative ex.  So why was he talking to that scumbag?  Did he really have nothing better to do?

There was no fucking way I was going to just there and watch him joke around with someone who beat me up in front of everyone and abused him.  What the fuck, John?  I called his name again -- and that's when my shattered heart put itself back together and broke again in the span of two seconds.  John's feet shuffled hesitatingly.  He wanted to talk, I could see it, he was just with a ridiculous posse.  Not everyone from his posse even went to our fucking school.

Hercules and Lafayette were part of said posse.  My blood boiled, reaching temperatures I didn't  know existed when I saw Herc's big hand wrapping around John's petit wrist and dragging him along.  I knew he only took John's wrist in his hand because he saw the faltering certainty in ignoring me.  I knew how they felt about what they thought I did.  I think I was just blinded by my anger -- my vision white.

I was behind John.  My heart was thumping loudly in my ears.  I couldn't hear anything.  He wasn't walking.  He wasn't looking at me.  With my peripheral vision, I could see we weren't walking.  The lockers were still.  But why wasn't he walking?  There was no one in front of him.  No hold up.  Except, there was.

I was the hold up.

I didn't realize until his wrist wriggled free from my iron clad grip.  He whirled around, annoyed.  "Alex.  Stop it.  You're acting childish."

"John," my voice cracked.  No, I couldn't cry.  Not here, not now.  Not in front of four of the people I can't cry in front of.  I must remain calm, save face.

What it was that changed, I couldn't tell you.  I had no idea, but it got his attention.  The harsh corners of his mouth softened, his eyebrows no longer ridden with fury.  The lit fires in his blue pupils dimmed.  I could see his body shift as he let go of his angry posture.  I had his attention.

I didn't remember what I wanted to say, random words from my under rehearsed speech all jumbled; all clambering to my mouth at once, all of them wanting to be the first one spoken.  My mouth dried as John just stared at me expectantly.  At that moment, a word came out: "Always."

"What?"  He was getting angry again.  The fires picked back up, raging taller than Hades' hair.  

The bell rang.  If we showed up to class after this, we'd be late.  He started to turn.  I had to think quickly.  And I did.

"Always," I repeated, and he stopped, once again waiting for more.  I took a deep breath.

"Alexander, class is starting, I have to go."

"I know, please."  I grabbed his wrist again, this time with much less vigor.  "I need one second to compose myself."  A tear rolled down my cheek as John's eyes rolled.

"But this is touching, John."  He looked at me, less confused.  "Have you grown to care for the boy?"  He knew it now.  No more anger.  The little flitting sparks in his iris' fully diminished now, replaced by hurt and admiration.

"After all this time," he whispered, tears welling on his water lines.

I stepped closer to him.  He let me.  Our foreheads touched.  "Always," I whispered back, letting more tears fly.

He connected our lips.

"I must say," I murmured, pulling back, "I don't support Snape or anything he stands for.  His love for Lily was abusive, toxic, and a creepy infatuation, but the line really conveyed how I feel for you, in a non toxic way."

He let out a chuckle, his wet lips finding their way back to mine.

He took my hand and intertwined our fingers.  "Let's get back to class, Hamilton."

A/N: sorry this one's a bit shorter -- it was always (haha see what I did there) going to be shorter, but i'm also running out of space in my notebook and i need it to like stay together so i don't lose it all again lmao -- chapter 19 coming by friday, and chapter 20 by weds next week, and then this story is finally over oh my LORD.