.....I Want Her....

Before Moving Forward, One Must Look Back (Dee)

"I wonder if she wonders what I'm doing right now?" That's the question I find myself asking a lot whenever I start thinking about her..... about Deara. The first step to healing is acceptance as they say, but how can you accept your first and only love cheating on you with your first best friend? Guess it's time for a bit of explanation huh? Teo and I met through marching band. When I joined the drum line he was already on it. Apparently he'd come in through the band program in his middle school. The kid was good at what he did as well as being good at other things too. The man had the style, the swagger, the confidence, everything I wanted to be at the time Teo was. That man was something else, we bonded over a love for music and soon he became not only my best friend, but the closest thing to a brother I had outside of my immediate family. Although that may have been because my relationship with my family was never the best. Whoa dude, flashbacks within a flashback? This is too meta for me at this point.

Let's go back, back to my first year of high school. Back then I didn't have the greatest relationship with my family (as if it's gotten any better). My dad and I hadn't been able to see eye to eye. As an antisocial kid it's pretty hard to make friends already, on top of that I moved schools every time I blinked. Needless to say I got into a lot of arguments with my dad. To add insult to injury, I had an even worse relationship with my mom. She wasn't exactly the nicest person you've ever met. She was extremely judgmental and cutthroat about everything her children did. If you attempted something, you damn well had been the best at it or else don't bring it home to Momma. Needless to say, I didn't really enjoy my parents company all that much. My brother on the other hand was, extremely different from me. He was super social and charismatic. Even though he was younger than me, he had much more friends than I had. It didn't matter that we moved schools a bunch, he would just acclimate into the new environment and make more friends. He was the favorite, my parents and everyone he met loved him. He always had friends over, and was always going out to social events. My personality came as a result of getting screwed but a large part of it is jealousy. I hated that my parents very clearly loved my brother more and I especially hated how good he was at socializing and acclimating. 

Back to me meeting Teo and becoming best friends. Teo's actually who introduced me to Deara. Oddly enough, they had been friends since elementary. I had always thought she was beautiful but I was never confident enough to say hi to her. She was essentially the prettiest girl in school to me. She had a crazy thick accent that I found adorable, was about 5'1 maybe exactly 5'0. Her natural hair color was black but she always had the ends dyed in some odd color, the day I met her they were red, crimson to be exact. She had flawless dark brown skin and the most gorgeous smile. Yikes, it's pretty wild that I can remember these details exactly considering this was almost 4 years ago. Anyway, Teo introduced me to her and we formed the a trio. Wherever you saw one of us, the other two were always there. Teo and Deara helped me build my confidence and were actually the one's who helped me develop my own brand of humor. Since I was already intelligent and had already developed a sort of harsh sarcasm to argue with my parents without sounding disrespectful I just channeled that into my humor. I then learned how to ooze confidence as Teo explained it "Even if you don't look like you got the drip, you gotta act like you got the drip, then somehow suddenly you actually have the drip." Deara helped me rebuild my wardrobe and suddenly I was a completely different person. So to have those two stab me in the back more than shattered me as a person. Especially when Teo's who set me up with Deara in the first place. To find them kissing in an alley, right under my nose? That shit broke me man. I thought I could trust these people. 

Whew, I should probably finish up my run. I gotta get home and start thinking of how to bop this alien that I'm apparently now friends with verbally. Sigh. This is all her fault, asking me why I'm putting my phone password in. She should just mind her damn business.....Why can't I get her off my mind? Why does she remind me so much of......her? Why can't I just live a quiet high school life and keep it pushing. Why did this short, beautiful, thick accented, outspoken girl, pick ME of all people, to mess with..... Wait.... I meant to call her an alien, don't misunderstand, I'm not crushing on her at all. Y'all tripping.