Personal Nothings

16.

16. cyber dreaming

Cold sweat ran down my back as I typed in the words I've been meaning to say since last week. What else do you want me to do? my reply says as I send it to her, making the chat box seem emptier than before. Things were actually fine the first three weeks of being apart because of college, but these past few days, the replies have been getting shorter.

I spot three dots coming out of her side of the chat. Madison replied quick and straight to the point and that was what I loved most about her. I never had any difficulty when talking to her and we were able to express ourselves easily and that was what I was proud of about us.

Her reply comes after a while. Is there anything else that you should do though? I mean you probably don't realize it but you've been really distant lately, it reads, sounding bleak and empty.

I stare at the screen, my mind going blank at her cold reply. "I'm distant? Me?" I mutter to myself, laughing as I recall every desperate message I sent to her every time she'd go missing for how many days. I'd always be the first one to open the conversation and when we do get to talk to each other, it'd usually be me driving the conversation down the right lane.

I was trying so hard. Yet here she is, building up another wall between us like it's nothing.

I type out, But can't you see I'm trying so hard for you? I even message you during my free time because I want to feel you near me and yet there you are, saying you're busy and some shit like that, my reply starting to sound childish as I read it over and over again.

Her reply comes immediately. BECAUSE I AM BUSY and if you can't understand that then it's no use talking about this matter already. Goodnight, it says. I grip my phone tightly before going over the contact list and dialing her number. There was no way in hell she'd just sleep so I'm taking my chances and calling her. She picks up and put the call on speaker. Upon hearing voices, my heart sinks at the conversation going on the other line, my mouth unable to form the words I've been meaning to say to her.

"... Fuck him. He was never serious in the first place and he's taking too long with this courting thing."

"Then why don't you just leave him for me? Come on, Mads."

"I am. I just need to visit him next weekend then end it with him. We aren't even together so I can't see the reason why I should get attached to him. Wait, is this thing on? Holy shit. Holy shit. Hello are you there?"

I grit my teeth and force myself to speak. "Fuck you, too. It was nice knowing that you weren't even serious about me when I was all over you." I drop the call and plop down my bed, my tears spilling uncontrollably. The anger rises to my chest and suddenly, it's getting harder to breathe. I scream on my pillow and punch it several times, letting my frustrations out as I do so.

I reach for my phone and turn it off. Nothing good ever comes to me from being too close with it.

a/n

i am back from my hibernation! actually no, i just felt like updating because HOLY SHIT these past few months have been really stressful and they're bound to get more stressful as april approaches because I AM GRADUATING (hopefully lmao, please pray for me). research is not going well but i'm trying to pull it  back together in place because my group mates and i need that good grade like sis we need to graduate and get the hell out of that school already :D :D :D :D 

anyways! this is a shitty attempt at writing again. school is draining all of my creativity away and i'm barely doing art again because of it lmaooooOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! i'm probably gonna write another one after this since i need to get myself back in the game but i'll probably fail again after i write so YEAH HAHAHAHA please bear with me ;-; 

also! my class is tasked to write a script for a play and it isn't actually doing so good! :D :D :D we're probably declaring friendship over after this thing because right now, things aren't looking so good for us :D :D :D we've been in a number of fights already and it's probably not gonna stop any time soon LOL SEND HELP ALREADY LIKE IF Y'ALL KNOW HOW TO MAKE AN ORDINARY CHARACTER INTERESTING AS FUCK PLEASE MESSAGE ME HERE

that's all! see you in the next one!!!! :D :D :D