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lowercase intended 。。。
—"self love is the most important thing, yoongi."
his therapist goes on and on about how 'loving yourself' is important. his words just fly over yoongi's head—he's not listening to anything. instead, all yoongi can think about is his mother.
nightmares have started to reappear.
usually, he sees two figures wearing cloaks but they're beating him. their fists don't stop. he's crying out for people, but no one responds. sometimes he sees namjoon. and other days it'll be seokjin, or really just one of his lovers'. but, constantly, they ignore him. no matter how much he screams, his lungs begging for him to stop, no one hears. no matter how much his voice cracks and aches, no one will ever notice.
it reminds him of teachers at school. he'd come to school with bruises and scratches, but no one would say anything. maybe they were too much of a coward, or they just assumed he was in a fight because 'yoongi is the bad boy' and 'he often gets into trouble so i'm not surprised he gets into fights.'
it hurts so much. it's so painful knowing everyone is ignoring you. no one cares...more pain, more tears, more scars.
"yoongi?" his therapists' voice brings him out of his short daze. tears try to well-up into his eyes but they dry quickly.
"sorry..." he voice trails off into a whisper. yoongi felt too much emotional stress that he couldn't be bothered to try and fake his happiness.
"it's okay yoongi. do you want to talk about it? i'm always here to help." his therapist tries to be as calm and patient as possible, giving him a reassuring smile when he hesitatingly looks up.
"i've just felt...like relapsing recently. i want to stop eating because...i-i-i feel like i don't deserve too. i mean, i may not be able to control the sudden appearance of my mom...but i can control the amount of food i eat," yoongi stops talking, taking in a deep, shuddering breath. he takes a sip of water from the bottle he had previously left on the ground.
when his therapist asks him to continue, he complies.
"i hate this feeling of inferiority...i hate it so much..." his voice trails off into nothingness. honestly, he wasn't even thinking when speaking. all these words coming out of yoongi's mouth were from the heart—he truly feels like relapsing and it's all because of his mom.
"thank you for opening up to me, yoongi." his therapist continues to compliment him, saying that 'sharing your thoughts is the only way this relationship will work.'
although it does feel nice to be able to talk to someone about his issues, yoongi also can't help but believe this man is judging him.
but, as anxious as he may feel, seeing a therapist has definitely helped his overall mental health.
yoongi's not as exhausted and actually gets a healthy amount of sleep. he no longer hears the traumatic stomach rumbles and the aching pains that felt like death haven't reappeared for weeks. it feels nice.
he is able to eat in-front of others. sometimes, on a really bad day (because they do occur), yoongi will hide his food underneath the table and take small bites out of it slowly. but, they aren't common. usually, yoongi is able to eat a delicious meal with his lovers' at the dinner table.
self-hate isn't as common anymore. yoongi isn't going to lie, voices in his head do appear and yell at him for eating so much food, but not often. instead of feeling gross after every meal, that number has dwindled down to feeling self-hate only a few times a week. which, for yoongi, is a huge accomplishment.
and, yoongi has also been able to open up to others more. not only his therapist, but his lovers' and students at college.
he recently joined a new 'club' at his college that meets up every thursday in the afternoon to vent about problems in their life. because mental illness is seen as a taboo in this culture, yoongi is grateful to have people his age being able to relate to his problems—anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and more. he loves being able to have friends who truly understand how he feels.
and, the relationship he has with the six most important people in his life has only become better. yoongi loves being able to open up so freely with all of them; they'll never judge him. he's able to trust these six people so much that at times it is frightening, but yoongi is so grateful. plus, being able to come home after a stressful day of classes and cuddle whoever is watching tv is the best.
with the way life was going, yoongi would've never thought he'd be this happy. life, yoongi had thought, was over. all he was, was a shell of a person.
but, namjoon, hoseok, seokjin, taehyung, jimin, and jungkook have all brought a new light to his life.
he is truly thankful.
。。。
「not very eventful but...it'll get better, don't worry.
i have so much book ideas but i don't think i can commit to another book.
