No Pulse

Lila

Nobody can ever prepare you for death. People always tell children that when a loved one dies, they simply fall asleep. It was peaceful. It wasn't that bad. But the reality is, death is that bad. It isn't just the pain, but the loneliness, the cold chills, the regret. I know this because I died. It was my choice, my decision. I took my own life. And, now I will forever hold onto that regret. That pain. That pain I caused others. The pain I still cause others. The emptiness. The exhaustion. Everything. I feel the cool air blowing softly against my skin. It blows through my hair arranging the chestnut waves in the wind. The ice-cold water tastes salty against my tongue. Salty from my tears. I lay there motionless. When I was alive, people said my eyes were the color of the ocean. Aquamarine eyes with specks of sky blue. The freckles scattered across my face. My lips chapped and cracking. The way I laughed at criticism. But that's all gone now. In a split second. A mere thought. I quick decision, you could lose everything. The hardest part was, everybody thought I was perfect. Rich, popular, smart, pretty, athletic, talented. What does she have to be sad about? But the truth is, I kept so many secrets. When I was younger, I was really close to my mom. But, as I got older, my school life became more secretive. I wasn't really bullied like some kids you hear about, but I was picked on a lot. Somehow, between everything, my brain started to believe everything people were saying. Every night, I would lay down on my fluffy yellow pillow, pull my polka-dot blanket over my head and cry. Salty tears streaming down my face. However, I was extremely talented at hiding my emotions in front of people. My best friend Abigail had only seen me cry twice in the seven years of our friendship. But, at home, I was a mess. I was always worried I was doing something wrong. Everything was confusing. I will always continue to wonder what my family thinks. What Abigail thinks of me. What my secret girlfriend Esme thinks of me. I miss them. I really do. I wish I had stayed alive. Enjoyed my life. I now realize I could have gotten help. But in reality, I was ashamed. I didn't want my family to have to hear about one more problem with their daughter. But now my cold, lifeless body lies in a puddle of my tears mixed with cold hose water. My tear stained face lying there, seemingly sleeping, but an eternal sleep. One which I will never wake up from.