UnPretty Thoughts: The Leader [ Namjoon x Reader ]

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She doesn't understand yet.

That's all he could think when he saw her stare back at him as he was leaned up against the wall. She didn't know the true position of her job, the meaning behind it. He hadn't given her specifics, most of which he could probably make up on the spot if she were to ask. Truthfully he hadn't thought they would even get to this point so quickly. It would make everything a little easier, being so close every day.

Being able to talk every day. Sharing meals together. Having someone to bring him out of the dark clouds that sometimes weighed heavily on him when he was alone with his thoughts for too long.

She was his Sunshine for a reason. She helped him break away from all that heavy haze. Inspired him to be stronger. Motivated him to be better. Perhaps it was foolish, but no matter how much praise he received often times it was difficult to believe. A part of himself had long ago accepted he wasn't the ideal standard of male beauty and didn't have the natural charisma of a dancer or smooth ballad singer.

It was all too easy to see the mountain high list of his own faults because that is what people did. They focused on their flaws to try and improve them.

Only it weighed a ton, all that negative thinking about himself. So much so that he had started to believe all the harshness. That he was ugly or a terrible dancer or an awful singer. Why are you even in BTS at all? They had asked him that. And he had started to wonder it too.

Jin was handsome, but could also sing smoothly and sweetly. Jimin was a spellbinding dancer, had a cute face and could also sing really sweetly.

Hobi was a masterful dancer and took to rapping like a duck to water, but could also sing well if he wished.

JK was practically great at everything and anything he tried.

Tae was soulful and sultry but also powerful.

Suga had that bad boy vibe, but an internal sweetness fans couldn't ever get enough of, not to mention he was a natural musical genius and just madly talented in all music he laid hands on.

So where did that leave him? He could rap pretty well and wrote decent songs. Argh, just thinking that way made it feel like someone was stepping on his chest... Namjoon had pride too. And despite trying to be cool and calm like a leader should, and just letting it go, it had eaten at him for a long time.

Never enough. You're not enough. Not good enough. What shitty thoughts. He refused to think them anymore. Around the same time he had decided to change his stage name, he had also decided to believe more in himself. Not everyone was going to like him. Those were just the facts. But he would like himself. He could try to like himself.

"Namjoon?"

He blinked realizing he had been staring harshly at her for a while without saying anything. She had gotten closer and put her hand on his flexing arm. When had he clenched his fists? Ah, he still had a ways to go on the whole 'loving yourself' plan.

At the moment, his focus now shifted from his inner thoughts to her. And it was like a sweet relieving cool breeze. Till his body started to react to her closeness. In a bedroom. Alone. With the door closed. Now he really was clenching his fists. Her eyes were deep and had darkened with concern. Was it just concern?

Her cheeks were flushed and seemed to grow redder with every moment he held her gaze. Boldly he glanced at her mouth, slightly open and letting her breath slip past. He watched as she moistened her lips with the tip of her tongue. Of course, his mind jumped at the ready, supplying him with the many things that tongue might be able to do. Which led to all the ways he could reward such diligence. He forced himself to close his eyes, restraint making the muscle in his jaw jump.

"Do you want help sorting anything?" He changed the subject to save not only himself but her too. It helped to walk away from her and towards her things, giving them both some room to breathe.

It made him ache with such a hollow coldness, letting that electric heat slip away, letting the charge become more muted in the air around them. Too bad his blood hadn't seemed to cool down very much. He could still picture what she might look like sprawled over the room's small bed, eyes watching him with hooded need and eagerness. Damn.

"No, that's alright," her voice was soft behind his back, "I can do it myself..." Did she sound disappointed? Lonely? Hurt? His hands clenched and unclenched at his sides. Every instinct in him was screaming to turn around, fit her gently against him and kiss her. To bend her to him, hold her so close nothing would separate them. To make her drown in him.

Where the hell was this coming from all of a sudden? It was enough to drive him crazy! He was already pent-up enough! He wanted to take things slow. She deserved that.

"Alright then," he nodded with a jerky motion and turned quickly. It was sudden enough to make him almost run right into her. Sudden enough to have him grip her arms to keep from bowling her over. Oh fuck. Soft. So freaking soft. Smells so good... "I'll just, uh..." he couldn't stop staring down into her eyes. Her mouth was so close.

"...And I have to just..." She murmured back before looking away and stepping back, breaking the contact. Namjoon knew he had better make a quick escape before things got...embarrassing. He could feel himself reacting a bit too strongly to such a minor close encounter. You'd have thought he was still a teenager!

"Right, meet you for dinner," he managed to drag out in a husky struggling tone.

"Sure, see you then," she whispered, pushing her hand over her cheek and into her hair.

Namjoon left hastily. Seemed he'd need preventative measures if he was going to get through dinner with his sanity intact.

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Author Note: How's the story progressing so far? What would you like to see more of?