RENDEZVOUS

28 | guilt, anger, shame

time seemed to go on forever.

or at least, it did in the stuffy overheated bedroom belonging to huang renjun. each second felt like a suffocating piece of eternity, and every thought surfacing in his head burned.

he knew he shouldn't have been so hopeful. of course his parents would find out about the video: it was inevitable. he'd overheard the phonecall earlier that weekend from his mom to one of her friends. the way they'd spoken over the phone left a sickening taste in renjun's mouth.

that didn't last long though. it was quickly replaced by the metallic taste of blood after an accusatory family dinner, followed by a lot of shouting and hitting and crying.

fuck, he was crying again now.

renjun hadn't expected them to open their arms and welcome him in, of course he hadn't. but he'd been hoping for a least a little mercy. the mark on his cheek still stung, and the voices of bitter disappointment rang fresh in his ears. he'd spent the last two days holed up in his room in a mountain of revision, and renjun didn't know whether the solitary confinement was helping, or making everything a hundred times worse.

freedom was somewhere far away - freedom of expression. renjun missed being able to fly under the radar, even if it meant hiding in an identity that wasn't truly his. he missed the sunny days that seemed a long time ago now, laughing and joking with his friends and feeling utterly carefree. the sun blazed down outside, but now it burned with hate. he was free from the ankle brace that had restrained him for the last several weeks, but he missed the days before it.

but most of all, renjun missed jeno.

fucking hell, he really missed jeno.

"fuck you," renjun muttered tearfully under his breath, curled up on the carpet of his bedroom floor.

he missed how jeno had always just been there, always right by his side whenever he needed him, even before their relationship had shifted. he missed the secret hand holding, the way jeno would wrap him up tight in his arms and kiss the top of his head in that silent reassurance that everything would be okay. he missed jeno's smell. the red blue and yellow hoodie that really belonged to jeno was still in his room, but as much as renjun wanted to burrow into it and hibernate through the turmoil, he couldn't bring himself to do it.

because jeno had betrayed him. and it fucking hurt.

how could he have let it go on for so long? renjun had read the long string of texts jeno had shot his way almost immediately after saying goodbye on friday after the math exam. they all explained the threats nancy had put in place, and the difficult situation it had put jeno in. but renjun just didn't see that as an excuse. jeno should have told him first, regardless of whether he told jaemin or not. and the fact that he kept renjun in the dark for so long made the chinese boy question whether he could even trust him at all.

so the tri-colour hoodie remained banished in the corner of the room, because it was nothing more than a sorry reminder of what renjun had lost.

incoming call: jenny♡

renjun blinked at his glowing phone screen through blurry eyes. this wasn't the first time jeno had tried to call him that weekend. and it wasn't the first time renjun had rejected the call.

ignore.

and it still hurt.

__________

jeno slammed his phone down in frustration, tucking his knees up onto his chair as he sat moping at the dining table. there was a renjun shaped hole inside him, and there was nothing the right shape to fill it. and on top of all that, he'd spent the last two days mourning the loss of melun the cat after her burial on saturday morning.