One for the Team

29 | before

The Monday after it happens, I throw up my breakfast on the sidewalk on my way to school. Ace almost doesn't stop walking.

"You need to be okay."

I don't answer him. My mouth tastes like what toast tastes like after it has gone through me. Through what I did. I throw up some more.

Ace is standing a few feet away from me. I can see his shoes. They're my shoes. I don't care. We walked past Levi's house a while ago. Ace doesn't know, but I do. I saw the space in the driveway where his car used to be before we drove it into the river.

"Milo's waiting for us," Ace says.

I don't give a fuck about Milo, but I don't tell him that. Instead, I stand up straight and keep on walking. Ace follows me. I spent Sunday in bed. It wasn't enough. He still had to drag me out of bed this morning. I don't know how to carry what we did. Don't know how to stand it. I wanted to stay in bed. I want to go back to it. I really do, but ahead of me, the road turns left, and we do too, and there's Milo.

I hear Ace saying Milo needs to be okay before it actually comes out of his mouth. Milo doesn't look okay. Milo looks like he hasn't known a good night's sleep the whole weekend, like he hasn't seen the sun either.

"I don't think I can do this," he says.

Ace says he doesn't have to do shit. He just has to show up. We just have to show up. I don't think I can do that either. But I do. We all do. The rumors are a virus at school. Everywhere I turn, I hear about the party. The game. The prank. Him.

He's dead.

Still, I look for him in the halls. When we walk past his locker. In class. During lunch in the cafeteria. I look for him and he's not there. He's right where we left him. Where we looked up at the trees and Ace wished it was fall. Said then the leaves would cover up what we did. I don't think anything can cover up what we did.

When I see Ruth, I turn around and walk the other way. I know what she'll say, and I can't stand it. So I don't. When my phone vibrates for what feels like the thousandth time since the party, I don't reach for it.

Mrs. Brightly called the morning after I buried her son and I ignored it. When she came over, I didn't answer the door. I just pretended no one was home. Ace asked questions too. Why was she asking me if Levi spent the night at my house? Why is she coming over? I didn't answer.

Brie and a few other girls come to me and ask me if I'm okay. If I'm okay after what happened. Brie tugs at the strings of my sweatshirt.

"What?" I ask. "After what?

"Didn't you jump out of a window?" She's looking at the cut on my left temple.

"Oh, that." I tell them I'm okay. Brie pulls one of the strings.

"Do you know what they did to him?" Her eyes drink me up. She's upset and she wants me to be upset too.

I shake my head. Up until now, Ace has cut off every person who attempted to tell me, but now Ace isn't here. Now Ace can't cut anyone off.

"It was awful," she says. "Just awful. I hope he's okay. I haven't seen him yet. I guess it's normal. I wouldn't want to show up to school either."

"What did they do?" I ask. I don't want the answer. She doesn't want to give it to me either. Says it was a prank, the whole game the guys were playing. The prize was Levi, tied up in a dark room, scared and alone. I don't want to think about it, but now I am.

I make up an excuse and walk away. In the bathroom, I lock myself up in the stall where we kissed that day and throw up my lunch, the one Ace forced down my throat.