self therapy

my school life pt.1

(A/n) the the next two chapters are going to be a mess, of me trying to write want I felt and remember. Please point out any mistakes but dont judge.

~okay so lets start at the beginning, the school I attended was Pinecrest academy north. during  kindergarten wasn't exactly as nice as you see it on TV. my teacher was really mean and didn't like me in the slightest, she would always yell in my face and scold me for every little thing I did. the kids around me weren't that bad, and the assistant teacher wasn't either; I even made a best friend there, jazzy (changed her name for reasons). but the fact that I was being yelled at for every little thing I did wrong or seemed wrong to her, wasn't' good for my self-esteem and confidence. to mention it, I did tell my parents to remove me from that school several time but I was ignored because I was just a child, so after a couple of failed attempts I just kept quiet about all of this. 

this problem didn't get better from here on, some of my teachers went a bit easier on me but it still wasn't all that good: I was still scolded and yelled at on a daily bases, with some comments that were along the lines of saying that I was "stupid"' or a "failure". I didn't really have any real friend so I was always excluded from most games and conversations, I was even made fun of for being ugly, overweight and stupid. at some point I had a really nice art teacher though, but after a couple of months she left to work in Europe to pursue her love of art.

after a while of this none stop bullying, around the second grade , I started to have dark thoughts when I was alone or was excluded from the rest of the class by the teacher to work alone. the voices kept on telling me that 'I wasn't good enough' or that 'I was to stupid, so why bother trying' and I actually listened to them, after a while I stopped trying and gave up on working hard in school and my grade suffered for it. and that was the beginning of my suicidal thoughts, at the time I didn't and never heard of the word of suicide so my little 7 year old brain just thought of it as being curious of how death felt like. I was still friend with jazzy but it started to feel fake and I almost felt used, but I shrugged it off and smiled. this still continued through the third grade, wavering from total hell or just a better day than before. 

but by the fourth grade I started to really enjoy school, the teachers were really nice and patient with me. it almost felt like the darkness in my mind just lightened up a bit more than before, there were some bad moments that made fall back into the darkness and be swallowed whole. the worst of it was when my friendship with jazzy was falling apart, she would use me for food by taking what she wanted from my lunch, making me do what she wanted-like making me sing to her for some reason; and around that time shopkins were a big thing so what she would do was threaten to not be my friend anymore if I didn't give her what shopkins that she wanted and when I didn't give it to her, she would steal it from me. again I just went along with it, trying to smile but it was weakening. once it was almost over, we were told by my teacher that she was going to be a professor in Miami Dade college and just like my art teacher I thought that she completely deserver this opportunity and wished her the best of luck.

then fifth grade happened, that was a living hell. my teacher was basically the spawn of Satan, (and not the good kind, like rin and yukio) even worse than all my mean teachers combined. she did everything that the others did but 2x as worse, that's when I felt the darkness in my mind swallow me whole and I was drowning, struggling to reach of the last bit of light that I had left. at this point, my grades were shot, my self-esteem and confidence were pretty much none exceistent and my best friend....well lets just say thing weren't exactly what I thought they were. she was constantly telling me that our friendship was over but I pleaded to her to stay friend and that I would do anything for her as long as she stayed my friend, after all my begging she would just give me a face of disgust and agreed. I was happy but now that I think about it, I think deep down I knew that our friendship was a bit toxic.

this continued until finally we decided to part ways, that's when I meet my new best friend grace, she was a really good friend, she comforted me when me and jazzy parted ways and stayed by my side. grace was weird in a good way and was into a lot of the thing that I was into so we became friends really fast, plus I've know her since kindergarten. the one thing I regret was not telling her about the darkness in my head, she brought me closer to the light than before and im grateful to her. we stayed friends for all of fifth grade. besides the whole friend thing, my teacher was still the devil and there was even a time that she got mad at me for no good reason. during my fifth grade year there was a challenge going around some schools called the running man challenge, basically we all had to dance since it was going to be filmed and put on YouTube.

(Don't watch if you don't want to see the most cringeworthy thing in the world)

being the socially awkward child that I am, I decided to hide near the basketball hoop on the right when the crowd huddled up . my teacher spotted me and a couple of the guys there and told us to 'get over here and dance', we all walked over their and just stood their not wanting to dance. she got angry again and yelled at us to start dancing or else, we just jumped or lifted ourselves off the ground a bit to look like we were dancing. after this was done, we went back to class but we were told to dance again I decided not too since I remembered that legally they couldn't make me if I didn't want too, but my teacher wasn't having it. she grabbed my wrist roughly and secretly pulled me to the next room that was empty and started to yell in my face, saying things like 'cant you do something so simple as dancing' or 'what the hell is your problem'. in my head I thought this was a stupid reason to get angry at a student.
This kind of crap continued for the rest of the year, like a seesaw going from absolute hell to tolerable.