self therapy

my home life pt.1

(a/n) this ties with the chapter before

school was rough but my house was my safe place, I was happy being with my family. but at some point, when school got worse for me I decided to tell my parents to transfer me to another school because I didn't want to be there anymore. but I was in kindergarten, so of course they weren't going to listen to me, they brushed it off and my dad told me that I just didn't want to go to school, than my mom added that the reason I was put their was because she heard it was a good school and that I was smart enough to handle it. but I wasn't, I wasn't smart enough. after a while things were as good as they could be, and when it was over I was happy. than around my first grade year, I met two girls that lived near my apartment and became friends, because our dads were good friends. their names were silvy and maco, we would hang out any chance we had. we didn't go to the same school so the weekends were the only time we would play the most. 

our friendship lasted for years, than id say around my 3 grade year our friendship seemed to crumble. we still hung out a lot but I was realizing that this wasn't a good friend ship, just like at school they bullied me. when something went wrong, they would blame me and I'd take the fall or they'd just make fun of me and ever hit me sometimes. I would do the same back but once again I would always get the blame. after a while my sister became aware of what was going on and told me to stop being friend with them, but I just smiled and told her that everything was fine and we were just messing with each other. and she belived me for a long time, until me and my "friends" got in a big fight and I got in trouble with there mom for fighting back because they punched me in the face after insulting me. I started to cry and they just laughed as I ran back home and hid in my room. my sister found out and came to comfort me with an ice cream cup and a hug. 

than she told my mom and my mom went down to confront my friends dad, who was super nice and he was the only person in their family that I could fully trust. once my mom and dad came back, they told me that everything is okay now and that if I wanted to go down and see them, I could it was my choice. I decided to go down and see them. I went into their room and they looked at me and ask me why I told on them. In my head I thought that they were the ones that did wrong, but instead of saying that I sat down on my knees and apologized for getting them in trouble. (I don't know why, im not Japanese) oh and here's what was the worst part of it, they were two years younger than me. pathetic right? after a while the shame of feeling like crap and getting crap from them, made me feel like I was weak and flawed. 

As for my how my school tied into my home life, well my grade dropped dramatically over the years and my parents didn't exactly take it lightly. Often when my grades were failing, my dad would get mad at me and he can be quite terrifying when angry. He would scold me alot and sometime would consult with my teachers why I wasnt doing well in class. and all my teachers gave the same answers, 

"she talks to much during class" no one talks to me, so how would I be talking.

"she never pays attention" I just don't understand what your trying to teach.

"she's always drawing and playing with little toys from her pocket" they're the only things that make me happy, not to mention they distract me form my dark thoughts.

"maybe she's just not smart enough to be my class" yeah no shit sherlock, that's what I've been trying to tell you people.

this cycle of teachers getting angry, my grades falling, my parents scolding me or defending me continued from kindergarten to 5 grade. as for my so called "friends" at home, their cycle continued too.