I Hate You

17. "friends with benefits"

Friday is finally here. As much as I cherish my career and coming into work brings me such joy, I have been dying to leave this place. I feel truly suffocated at the office while Brandon flirts with everyone and everything in sight. He would do it right in front of me too like the asshole he is. I on the other hand remained polite and professional, which meant completely dismissing the inappropriate remarks and compliments he threw my way. Not like they meant anything or served any purpose other than to get under my skin and distract me. I didn't let him get to me and he seems to have lost interest in me. Finally.

Dropping into my car after the long week has come to a close, I let my hair down from the tight claw-clip updo I had it in. I remembered Brandon's comment. I wonder what he would say if he saw me now. I caught a glimpse of him leaving the building with none other than our downstairs receptionist. But I am not giving it a second thought. Just like that, I was on my way to Max's place. Riding through the breezy LA streets and not even traffic could get me down on a day like today.

Thinking back on how productive I felt going through my project with Sophie. She's been giving me great input and plenty of encouragement. I am living my 16-year-old self's dream. Driving through Los Angeles, in my own car from my dream job to spend the night with my best friend who is getting married to her prince charming. What do I have to be sad about?

Upon arrival, I can immediately sense that Max has been in need of a girl's night too. The wedding magazines and hundreds of invitation letters sprawled over the living room floors tell me she's been stressing.

"Should I have brought more wine?" I raise my eyebrows.

"I've been meaning to clean up a bit, who would've thought planning your own wedding could be so insane." She grabs my bags and unpacks them for me. "I really hope Brian's been helping," I start. She shoots me a glare as if I expect that he wouldn't. I help her tidy up a bit and I can see her ease up once the living room returns to its original state. "Pizza or sushi?" She asks grabbing her phone.

"Definitely pizza." I feel my stomach gurgle in excitement at the thought of some juicy carb-loaded cheesy slice to put me in a food coma tonight.

After the food arrived and we downed half the box plus a whole container of garlic knots, the wine finally came out and we headed over to Max's lavish bathroom for face masks and manicures. I almost forgot how fun it is to be a girl.

We reminisced on old times during our sleepovers when we would throw on a pop music video on the tv and try to learn the whole choreo in one night. We would laugh so loud we'd wake our parents but they could never keep us quiet no matter how hard they tried.

At this point, we had pretty much kicked the bottle of wine so we decided to raid Max's closet and try on all her fancy most extravagant clothes and trust me she had a lot. Few people have told me, including Brandon, that my wardrobe may be a bit drab. I will admit, my tastes are rather simple and fruitless for LA so I will give it to them. But if there is one thing I promised myself not to do, is to let this city change me, and I intend on keeping that promise.

"Try this," she hands me a gorgeous black, silky, backless dress that I've never seen in her closet before. Me being tipsy, of course, I tried it and instantly fell in love. It hugged me in all the right areas and the material was so delicate and bouncy. It effortlessly flowed to the bottom and didn't even make me feel exposed in the slightest. "Jess, it's jaw-dropping. You're keeping it."

"What? No, I could never, it's your dress." I reject.

"I've never worn it even once, it doesn't suit me, seriously keep it." Max was big on sharing clothes with me, I wonder if that's her way of spicing up my wardrobe.

I waddled over in the dress and hugged her tightly. She threw on a navy blue pantsuit and we took pictures on top of the giant pile of clothes that we now created in her walk-in closet.

Stumbling over to the couch in our glamourous getup we drop down and try to pick out a movie to end the night. "Wanna watch Friends with Benefits?" Max suggests.

"I'm gonna puke if we do." I cringe. Believe it or not, Max is an even bigger fan of cheesy romance movies than I am. I mean I guess that's why we always got along so well. "One Day?" she goes on.

"Definitely not." That movie broke me in ways I cannot even begin to describe. "But it's tradition that we drink and cry over some sappy movie." She whines, I can tell the wine is getting to her.

"Why would you cry," I ask. "You got an amazing guy, a really loving one at that."

"Is that why you don't want to? Because you don't have a guy?" She sits up. I finish the remainder of the wine in my glass and put it down next to the couch. "No it's not, just think these movies are getting overrated that's all."

"Excuse me, is this is same Jess that used to write love poems in class and listen to backstreet boys?"

"Max I thought we agreed never to mention my BB phase ever again." I fold my arms. "Alright, alright you pick. Surprise me." I give up. Max happily puts on the movie and we sink deep into the expensive couch. I think it's beautiful that almost every culture on this planet has some form of romantic storytelling. You can be bitterly single, divorced, or happily married, who doesn't adore a good love story?

As the movie goes on my mind begins to wander. It is only now that I removed all distractions and I am faced with the truth that I reflect on the past. I cannot focus or prevent flashbacks of that night from setting in. What if we went further and I hadn't stopped him?

As the actors on the screen enact their displays of love I wonder what it would feel like. As the characters have their very first kiss I can't help but picture Brandon. What would it feel like to go further with him? I bet he's had so much experience I wouldn't even be able to keep up. Has he ever even been in love? Or was he always this heartless womanizer his whole life? How many girls has he been with?

I try to concentrate on the characters but his face keeps popping up in my mind. Rather his body. His hands going down my—

Fuck.

I have not been this sexually deprived for many years. I have not felt the need or desire to go further with anyone sexually, at least not THIS bad. He sparked something inside me and now I can't undo it.

Maybe I should take everyone's advice and let go. Maybe I do need to get dicked down.

The only way to move on and bury the past is to find someone else. Anyone who will distract me. That's exactly what I'm going to do.