sign {h.s.}

capitulo doce

"THANKS SO MUCH for helping me study." On the other end of the phone, Brody lets out a long sigh. I'd spent the better half of my afternoon cramped at the same library table on the phone with Brody, working through some of his questions for our sociology class. "Are you sure I can't get you a refill on that tea?"

He was shy today—more so than usual; making it rather obvious that he was at least slightly embarrassed by the fact that he was so reliant on my help. Eager to alleviate some of this tension on his part, I offer him a timid sort of laugh. "I'm okay. Maybe next unit, I'll need your help." I run my finger around the rim of my now empty cardboard cup containing my hot tea. "I'll see you soon, Brody." I don't even wait for his answer before hanging up the phone and bringing my tea to my lips.

Even as I was speaking the words, I wasn't sure if they were true or if they were just a formality. The last time that I had seen him out of class had been two weeks ago at the party. Now at the end of September, I'm finally settling into a sort of rhythm here at college. He's not in it which is something that I find exceptionally odd. At the beginning of the semester we had been so eager for the company of the other. Now, there's a sort of wall between us that neither of us knows what to do with. When he asked for my help today with some of our coursework, I was more than happy. If anything, I was a bit let down that he had only required my assistance on the phone.

Brody had been one of my first friends here at school. Without his company, I'd been left a bit high and dry. There are some other people in some of my other classes—two girls from my required English class have begun to hit it off with me, and there are a couple of people that I speak to from my Spanish class. But, otherwise, I am faced with this intense loneliness. I'd never thought it to be possible to feel so lonely when surrounded by so many people.

Without Brody on the other end of the phone, I focus on the textbook in front of me. Selfishly, there had been a part of me that wanted to see him today and that wanted to bring him back to my dorm and dangle him in front of Harry. In the two weeks since I've seen Brody last, I've spent plenty of time in Harry's company. We've not spoken of the kisses. Stolen glances are afforded at the other in a furtive sort of way where we are both very aware of our fear of being caught.

There is an inexplicable side of me that wants to make him jealous and I don't know where it stems from. When I look at Harry, I see the kind of person that I could be attracted to. He's conventionally handsome and he knows it. Hell, I know it, too. But, his personality is a major turn off for me. He pushes me away more than he pulls me close, and I find it to be infuriating. Perhaps there is a part of me that considers Harry to be out of my league, if such a thing exists. Yet there is a mutual interest that we are both probing around with as we try to figure out the depths and limits of our feelings. I've come to find that part of that, for me, includes this urge to make him jealous—to push his buttons and see what he will do. The element of uncertainty is exciting for me.

A hand gently knocks on the table in front of me, causing me to start. Temporarily I had let myself get lost in the space between my thoughts and studies. All around me are the indications of my studying: highlighters, notecards, pens, and textbooks are all spread out around me. As a singular person, I take up a table equipped for six people. Bracing myself for someone asking me to take up less space, I am shocked when I see Brody staring back at me. "Hey," he smiles at me in that lopsided way and again I am reminded by my initial thought of him looking like the stereotypical all-American boy.

"Hi," I return, confused. I begin to shuffle some of my things around to accommodate some room for him.

"I know you said no, but I figured yours would be getting cold." With that, he is setting two cups down in front of me, but only moves to slide one in closer.