sign {h.s.}

capítulo dezoito

"CAN I TRUST you?"

The first words out of Hannah's mouth have me on the edge of my seat. One look at her tells me she is almost as nervous as I am. With hands slightly shaking, she moves to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. Noticing the tremble in them, she latches them around the coffee once more.

I woke up to a text from Caleb informing me that Hannah would be heading up to campus to visit her father and that she wanted to see me, too, if I was free. I texted Hannah directly then and sent her my schedule for the day while we ironed out a time that would work for the both of us. All day I had been excited to see her. But, looking at her now, all that I feel in my chest is a sinking pressure of fear.

Still, I find myself responding to the initial question. "Of course, Han, what's up?"

She sighs and looks down at the cup in her hands. Vaguely I get the impression that she can't even look at me. The notion just serves to unsettle me even more. "I'm thinking of breaking up with Caleb."

"Excuse me?" My reaction is not immediately. Emotions filter through me all at once as I try to find the one that is appropriate for this moment. Laughter is the first to RSVP. Incredulous to think that after all their time together, Hannah would be so willing to just throw it all away. Sadness comes next as I think about how heartbroken my brother will be without her in his life. Anyone who knows Caleb will readily admit that Hannah is the best thing that happened to him. After a failed high school romance with someone that I had considered to be a friend, it was seriously doubtful whether he would ever collect himself again and get the right foot back in the dating world. Hannah had turned that around for him. The last is anger; anger that she would do this and tell me and expect me to keep this from my brother. "Hannah... why are you talking to me about this? This is a conversation that you need to have with my brother."

"I just—hear me out, okay?"

Immediately, my head is bobbing up and down out of necessary agreement. My mind is whirling at a mile a minute as I try to figure out what could have happened to warrant this sudden change.

She licks her lips as she tries to figure out where to start. Her hands are shaking again and I want nothing more than to reach out and steady them. But for the first time since I've known her, I find myself hesitant around her. Sighing, she begins, "a couple of months ago I changed my anxiety medication. It reacted really poorly with my birth control. Out of the two, I was more inclined to stay on the anti-anxiety meds—they are honestly the best I've been on. They've really helped me." Finding herself going on a tangent, she pauses for a minute to recollect herself. "I'm not that irresponsible. So, while I did stop taking the birth control, I did make an appointment with my gynecologist to discuss better options that would work with the new medication. When we decided to change my prescription, I'd already missed a week. And then I didn't want to mess up my cycle even more—I was scared that it would create a bad reaction with my hormone levels and the anxiety meds again. So I waited a bit longer so I could take it with the natural flow... I told myself not to worry—"

"Hannah," already I feel that I know what she is building up to. I would do anything for the words to not come out of her mouth.

"I told myself not to worry. Caleb and I have always used a condom and I'd been on birth control for so long that I figured when I went off of it, even for just a month, my hormones would be messed up. Already they were from the new medicine. I wasn't freaking out about being late. But, I wanted to be safe. So I took a pregnancy test," she pauses at the worst possible moment, looking down at her lap. "It came back positive."

"Hannah!"

Again, I find that it is impossible for me to adequately qualify my emotions. Running rampant inside of me, I find that my eyes sneak down to look at her stomach. To look and see whether there is any indication of a baby growing inside of her.