I hope im not my only friend

2. Ode to sleep

Photo credits- @klhrdesign on Instagram
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Dear diary,
I woke up quite fine and dandy today. Wait, who actually uses the word dandy? When was the last time anyone actually used that word in a normal conversation. When was the last time i had a normal conversation. When was the last time i had a conversation with someone other than the voices in my head?
SHUT UP TYLER! NOWS NOT THE TIME.
Can you believe that i actually managed to get two hours of sleep tonight. Usually that never happens. Its a bit of a problem that i cant sleep at all but i dont care.
No one cares.

Today is Friday May 14, 2004. I dont know why i mentioned it but.. i actually dont know why i decided to say the date. Nothing important is happening. The only thing that i am doing today is going to school like usual and hoping for me to crash land on some pavement. Sometimes i feel like everything will be good, like im going up, up, up, up, up to the ceiling, and outrunning all of my demons but then all my dark thoughts catch up and i feel my soul start leaving. Like an old mans hair receding i guess.
Shit, its already 7, i have to leave for school in about half an hour. WHY DO I HAVE TO GO BACK. CANT ANYONE SEE THAT IM PLEADING PLEASE, OH PLEASE  ON MY KNEES REPEATEDLY ASKING WHY ITS GOT TO BE LIKE THIS.

THIS IS NOT LIVING FREE

TYLER
NOW
IS
NOT
THE
TIME

Goodbye for now as i am off to school. Talk to you later.

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Hello diary, i am back. I had ditched a bit of school today so that i could escape from that hell. In class i had a random realization. Most people see a pen, not a harpoon. How do they not see that its a weapon forged in darkness?? Or is it just me being crazy again.
No no no its not me its them!
SHUT UP TYLER.
Okay let me try to be normal and describe my day and "release my feelings" as my therapist suggested me to do. Okay ill try to do that.

For first period we had math and as much as I would have liked to sit at the very back of the room and listen to music instead of actually doing work, i had to sit in the seat that i was assigned. At the front of the class. Its the worst seat ever, the teacher can see everything that you do and STOP RANTING TYLER. Okay. Okay.
Josh sits next to me in class and occasionally the would pass me some notes, most of them either asking me if i was okay or if i had the answer to a question he was stuck on. Why would he think that im not okay? Im always okay in the morning, as its a time that im not scared of. I dont hear the voices in my head anymore, they arent calling to me anymore. Im constantly okay in the morning, i kicked the voices out.
But Josh is the only one that asked if i was okay so i must be doing a good job disguising the demons.

Second period i had biology and it was okay. I had zoned out for the most part of the period but sometimes i swear that i heard demons yelling. Oh the crazy words they were spelling. In the middle of class i ran out to go to the bathroom to splash cold water out on my face to try to get the voices to just shut up. They never talk to me in the morning. Why did they decide to pop up today? They were telling me that i was gone and to be honest, I believe them. I am gone. I am gone. Nobody would care about me if i was gone.
When i was about to leave to get back to class i ran into josh and seeing him made the voices shut up momentarily. He smiled at me and then i think he saw my wrists. I had forgotten to push my sleeves back down to cover the many scars on them. His face had a look of pure horror on it. He must not like the look of them. I dont like how they look either. But inflicting them helped to dial down the voices for a bit. When he saw them, i quickly pushed my sleeves back down and ran back to class, not really caring if a teacher was going to stop me. I just wanted to get away from josh and his look of horror.
Oh no. He probably doesnt want to be my friend anymore. Why would anyone want to be friends with me. STOP TYLER.
I sat through the rest of class and when the bell rang, i knew that i wasnt going to stay for lunch and for the rest of the day. I wouldve seen Josh again and he would ask me about what he saw.
As soon as the bell rang, i grabbed my stuff and signed out at the office saying that i had a doctors appointment. After that, i took the public transit to go to a park. I ended up spending the rest of the day sitting and listening to music. It was much better than school. Music blasting in my ears drowned out all of the voices.
Eventually i decided to go to a cafe to eat my lunch and OF COURSE I managed to run into Josh.
HOW! WHY WONT YOU LET ME GO? IM INSIGNIFICANT!
He sat across from me in the booth i was sitting in and we just sat in silence for a good ten minutes. He was just looking at me. I couldnt take it. It was driving me insane. His dark brown eyes were looking at me like i was some wounded animal. So i got up and ran away. I couldnt take it anymore.
I ran back to the small park and hid behind a tree. Oh how did i get into this situation. Josh probably now thinks im a maniac. His friendship with me was probably as fake as the trees that await in the clouds, anticipate for the start of the day when we put on our face. A mask that portrays that we dont need grace. But i do need grace. I wouldnt have been sitting under a tree, tears rolling down my face, trying to escape from a person that i consider a friend that probably doesnt return the feeling. I dont know how long i sat there but my phone started vibrating and i opened my eyes because it was telling me that i must.
It was josh.
Around me the trees seemed to wave their arms and the clouds try to plead. The voices in my head screamed and my head spun. Im not free. I ask for forgiveness constantly but no, i am still being haunted.
No. No. No. no. Why josh. Why do you want to talk to me. If i pick up im afraid ill tell you about the demons that plague me. Im afraid i'll tell you who i adore.
The words would instantly spill out, "josh, i like you."
No. No. You would look at me with pity and turn me down. No. Im not picking up. Im not okay.
I'm not o-fucking-kay
No. No.
STOP
IT
TYLER
no.
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Ill stay awake again. Night after night. There is nothing in this world that can stop the voices. Why wont they let me go? Do I threaten all of their plans? Im insignificant. i am worthless. Do they have plans for me? Please tell me that you have no plans for me.
I will set my soul on fire. I will set my soul on fire to be released from this torture.

What have i become.

Im sorry