sad or happy - choose

Part 15 - Loneliness

We have a compelling evolutionary need to be with other people, because, for most of human history, anyone without friends or family members was unlikely to survive and have children. We evolved to succeed in a group. So loneliness serves an important evolutionary purpose . . . it drives us to make friends.

Our ancestors were born into a family and rarely ever left. They rarely had to impress people to find a mate, as choices were limited and parents often made the matches anyway, thereby saving many from the dating game. Loneliness was seldom a problem.

Today, people move around. It is not unusual for family members to be living in different cities or even different countries. We are more concerned with work than family or friends so we move away from them, to get a better job. People leave school or college and suddenly find that their friends have moved or found other interests. Divorce is much more common now than with earlier generations and many people have sufficient assets that they are not compelled to share accommodation. And . . . people are living longer.

Religious institutions are in decline and we have fewer social contacts and social networks. Many people do not even know their neighbours, leaving us feeling less connected with our society. More people than ever before are living alone and many of them are lonely.

Social media has revolutionized the way people communicate, with positive and negative consequences. It allows people to see and talk to each other almost anywhere in the world at any time but it also reduces the need to meet face to face or to hug someone. Some people never learn the subtleties of human relationships, how to make and keep friends.

Social media also provides a great way to avoid people. On our cell phones and laptops we can read, play games, write stories or watch movies and video clips. They are endlessly entertaining. In fact, they are more entertaining than most people and far less stressful.

After all, you can't have an argument or fight with the Internet. You can't fall in love or break up with Netflix and Charlie Chaplin is far funnier than most people. You don't have to agonise over whether World of Warcraft will call you back for another date.

Other people are far too much trouble. It's impossible to guess what another person thinks of you, or the way you talk, eat, dance or smell. And, how do you impress someone enough to be your friend or lover?

Many young people have grown up with their needs being fulfilled every more quickly. Social media has taught them that if something can't be done within seconds, it is dismissed with the swipe of a hand. If a friend or a lover annoys you . . . it is easier to look for another.

Some never learn how to work at making and keeping friends, lovers and . . . spouses . . . and it does take work.

Educated to believe in happy endings, they expect positive results from life. When young people think about their future they imagine a successful career, being engaged or married with an incredible social life before they are thirty . . . without any effort on their part.

This is what they see happening in movies, on TV, or on social media, or (they imaging) with friends. When it doesn't happen, it seems like they are the only one failing. They feel left behind and lonely.

This starts a vicious cycle. Afraid of being rejected they retreat into themselves, feeling even lonelier.

A young woman summed up her loneliest moments. They are when she is happy and has no one, who cares, to celebrate with her.

What to do?

To make friends you need to meet people where you can be relaxed. After school and college days, probably the best option is a sports or social club or a gym, or you might meet someone at a political, religious or other social gathering. In effect, you are seeking to join a tribal group of like minded people.