Dear Diary

Five

Dear Diary,
It's been a very long time since I've wrote one of these.

I wish I could say "so much has changed I'm better now",but unfortunately I'm not.

I've been fighting this constant battle with myself for awhile trying not to go back to cutting or starving myself,but I feel so much fucking pain.

Since the last time I've wrote a lot has happened.

On the second day of my 10th grade year (August)my family found out my mom had cancer.

My school year started off awful from trying to deal with my worsening depression and anxiety to now having to deal with my best friend being sick.

And on October 7th I lost my best friend.

The doctors said it was stage 4 and some told her she had 6 months while others were hopeful and said after she started chemo that there was a chance she could have years time.

But instead we got less time then what even they predicted.

I've felt so angry at the world since she passed and I don't know how to get my emotions out.

Everything I do in my life I think of her.

When we go grocery shopping I think of back when me and my mom used to do that together,on holidays I think of how me and my mom used to hide out and avoid bugging family members.

Now I just have this constant emptiness in my heart and in my life.

And it's not even that every second is bad.

I think my teachers and even friends are surprised that I am able to joke around or simply smile at all.

But just because I have a little bit of joy doesn't mean that I'm not suffering when I'm alone.

My friends assume that I've recovered from grieving.But the truth is I never really got much of a chance to grieve because I have to be the responsible older sister.

So every time that we're in a grocery store and I look at an isle where my mom and I made memories I have to act like I don't want to break right there.

Anyway I don't want to write anything else tonight so ig this is goodbye for now.
                          ~Bella