Samiie Beard

The begining of the "new me"

October 2013

One day to celebrate halloween, I thought it would be cool to go to alton towers and enjoy the scarefest event. It was a very "Jumpy" day as we would have actors dressed up as Zombies, Dead people, and Clowns. This made me feel quite on edge and for the first time in a long time I felt incredibly anxious. Then to end the night we decided to go on a rollorcoaster to end the night.

I felt incredibly anxious during this ride. I almost felt like I could not breath and that I was panicking. "A few more minutes" I kept telling myself. Then the worst I could imagine happened.

The ride broke down. I went into shock and panicked and I couldn't breath, I couldn't think and I just cried and basically screamed that I needed to get off the ride.

This was my first ever panick attack. I was terrified. I was shaking uncontrolably, Luckily I had my boyfriend next to me who realised what was going on and calmed me down.

That night was the start of something I never saw coming.

After that day I felt anxious everywhere. Everywhere I went I was scared to have a panick attack.

November/December 2013

I was becoming stroppy and did not really like leaving the house. My mood became indredibly low. nothing seemed to cheer me up, I would start arguments with everyone I could just to feel some kind of emotion, I felt numb. Many times I would think about suiside and how everyones life would be so much better without me in it. I knew I needed help and fast. I began self harming just to feel something. Feeling numb was the worst kind of feeling I had ever had before in my life.

Every relationship I had with people I could see it all crumbling, My life was destroying itself right infront of me and there was nothing I could do. I wasnt me anymore, The happy girl who dreamed of an amazing future was gone. I was replaced with somebody who was angry, anxious, scared and just a horrible, nasty person. I would start arguments day in day out with people.

It was like someone had came and took my lovely, happy ambitious self during one night and replaced me with something dark and evil.

I had lost so many people during this period of my life and luckily I dont really remember most of it.

I would spend most days in bed and just had no motivation to do anything,

I went to the doctors and they perscribed me with 20mg of Citalopram. I hated these tablets. They made me feel like there was a buzzig sensation in my head that would make me go dizzy and lose my balance for a moment. There seemed no future for me anymore. I felt guilty having people in my life and putting them through whatever was going on in my head. I hated the fact people had to watch me go through it. At this point suiside seemed my only option. I was lost and I never ever thought I would find my true self again. A terrified girl who would cry most nights yet not even understand why this horrible thing was happening to me.

The depression and anxiety was at my worst. Mental illnesses I never really knew anything about. I was scared and refusing to help myself get better. I refused the tablets and it got to a point where I couldn't even smile anymore. I never believed I would make it through the next few months.