Samiie Beard

My life turned into a lie

Realistically I was never going to have a stable relationship with this other person living inside of my head.

That's all I wanted, I wanted my old life back, I wanted it to be the summer of 2013 agar but mental illness had taken over me and it broke my heart but I knew I was never getting the life I wanted back

Weeks went on and i kept my strange ways a secret and lied about "recovering" I never wanted to recover I wanted to die, I hated myself, I hated what I was doing to my loved ones and I just couldn't stop

My behaviour never changed and I had my first appointment with brownhill on the 13th of April.

I was weighed and I weighed 44kg I memorised this number so I could convert it into stones when I got out, I was tiny, all of my bones were showing and after a two hour assessment that emotionally drained me, she diagnosed me with anorexia.

She told me about how if I kept going and doing the things I was doing I would end up in hospital and if I refused they could take me anyway. I was still in shock that I had anorexia, I'd never even really heard of it before I knew what it was but I never knew how much depth and how sick and twisted the disorder really is.

I was given the option of "day treatment" I refused that. How the hell could I go and sit in a room with people who clearly had eating disorders and be classed as the fat ones from the group.

I stopped the exorcizing because my body and my heart couldn't take it anymore. I would get extremely bad palpitations and I would be in hospital a lot of the time for the drs to have only once told me something was wrong but not to worry about it.

One night after a day of restricting I had this uncontrollable urge to eat. Not just an urge to have something bad or fatty, I wanted everything.

I went into the kitchen and everything that was quick I ate, it was disgusting. I looked like a pig, but I had crisps, chocolate, cakes, biscuits, cereal whilst cooking a bacon roll.. I couldn't stop and I ate and ate until I threw up.

I cried and felt disgusted with myself. How the hell could I keep up starvation for so long? Food was amazing I needed it, the taste of all the "naughty foods" felt amazing

This became a new routine of mine, I began by starving up until the point where I needs something and then I would binge and purge.