Samiie Beard

Relapse

I discharged myself from brownhill. I felt sad every time I went and felt that the only way to get through the eating disorder was to leave. At the end of May, early June I went through a rough patch I was recently single again. The eating disorder was creeping back. It didn't like the fact I was beginning to recover

Once again it pushed most people away

I attempted to end my life again because this evil voice would not leave me alone.

Lonely, depressed and confused. When I felt sad I would turn to my eating disorder as a form of control.

I began purging again, my hair was falling out too, I had such thick lovely hair, it was a bit damaged but overall In good condition. My hair looked shorter and thinner and just fluffy it looked so unhealthy and this was because I was messing up my body.

I continued to look at pro Anna and get my tips from their again. My goal was 6 stone.

I found it incredibly difficult to starve so purging was my only way of a quick fix.

Losing weight was so much harder this time around.

I got around the 8 stone mark and I just had a breakdown

I'm sick of the voices, sick of the restrictions and rules, I can't keep doing this to myself it's tearing my whole world apart. I was lost and I felt like I was beyond help. Nothing I could do would make me better and I knew that the illness would eventually kill me.

I would cry most nights and most days because each day became a struggle.. The difficulty to starve for a long period of time and then a binge. I would become hungry again after the binge so I was in an evil cycle that I didn't believe could ever stop.

My friends really supported me. I was so lucky to have the friends that I did they really were amazing to me, especially two of them. I truly believe that if it wasn't for those guys I wouldn't be here today, they never left when I got difficult, it broke my heart seeing what I was doing to them, having them plead to me to get better. I had to get better I owed it to them. They had been there from the start and never left my side even when I pushed them away. They understood, they knew me 20x better than I knew myself I knew I owed it to myself too but to me this was what I needed to push me. I wanted to watch their beautiful daughter grow up and I didn't want to be known as the girl who didn't even make it to 21 I needed life, I needed change.