Samiie Beard

Life wasnt going to be easy

January 2014

Things were not getting any better at all. I could feel people I love slipping away, or being pushed away. Living with depression is the hardest thing a person can go through. Waking up not wanting to live anymore was a heartbreaking and devastating for me and those who loved me. Nothing anyone could do would help me.

Self harm and doing nothing became my life, I stopped enjoying everything, even my boyfriend couldn't make me happy. Nothing could. Samiie was gone I was this dark monster and knew my Samiie wasn't coming back.

I would argue repeatedly with everyone, It was like I didn't care. I did though hurting my loved ones hurt me more than anything. I wanted to die that was the only way out in my opinion.

Everyone had left, I had about 5 friends who stuck around, everyone else had left, my boyfriend, most friends and family were never really there for me anyway.

Although a few were there I still felt alone. I had done for months but for some reason it was just the worst it had ever been.

I attempted to end my life, luckily I wasn't successful but the terrifying thought that there was a chance I wouldn't be here today because of severe depression. More awareness needs to be raised for it because I knew nothing. I thought I was the only person in the world going through it I had no idea that millions were going through it worldwide. It's a scary illness and sadly a lot of people don't get through it.

My mood was still constantly low.. Seeing friends cheered me up a little and I was able to get up and do things but I seemed to have bandaged on my arms at all times, hiding them at work was impossible, people did see and I was scared they would judge me but everyone was so supportive to me and it made me feel better I guess.

I had a thing could ask fm.. Getting that was the biggest mistake of my entire life.

I was basically bullied by that site. I had evil, nasty people telling me to go and kill myself and they told me repeatedly how ugly and fat I was. Seeing those messages made me look at my body in a different way I believed those messages, I was fat and I was ugly, I needed to sort this out right away. I wanted to make those people regret ever saying anything nasty to me.

I began right away by making myself vomit, I had done something like it before so knew it wouldn't be a problem. I felt amazing afterwords, I realised I could do it after everything and it made me feel skinny and that if I kept it up I would lose lots.

I started doing research into something called "thinspo" I was following very depressing people on twitter and would often come across thinspo accounts but never ever thought anything of it. They are filled with pro anorexia pictures and quotes and I became infatuated by it. That was when I knew I wanted to be like the girls In those photos, i was so fat compared to them, they were beautiful. I weighed myself and I was about 9.5 stone, I was never ever fat but seeing this girls made me feel obese! They had certain diets and rules and I then had one goal, that was too look like the girls in the photos, I dreamt of having the tiniest thighs and I wanted my bones to show. I listened to the quotes and decided to follow the diets if I wanted to achieve anything.