Samiie Beard

Recovery is possible

I had got In touch with brownhill again and changed the lady I was seeing. I managed to get a senior member of staff and she instantly signed me up for CBT she told me how hard and difficult It was going to be but I needed it. I wanted my life back and I was willing to do everything possible to recover and get it back.

I was told to have these sheets with me, I had to write down my breakfast, lunch and dinner and I had to have 2 or 3 snacks.

I also had to write down if I had, vomited Or used laxatives afterwords. I never used laxatives I wanted to but for some reason I was scared so I never bothered.

You also had to write down feelings

My first day of that I vomited 4 times and binged twice. I felt so upset and disappointed but she told me it was okay because that way we can see what I'm like

I knew this wasn't going to be easy I had set meal times and I couldn't do it. I never ate breakfast ever!!

She saw me twice a week and I can see she was getting frustrated. I was getting down about it. Why couldn't I just eat at meal times? It was too hard I wanted to stop thinking of the constant thought of food and this was making it worse for me.

I discharged myself again and decided to do it on my own.

I had the tips I needed so I just told friends about it and they helped.

I don't remember getting out of the dark stage of my life in clear detail.. I remember being extremely ill and then all of a sudden on the road to recovery. It's funny how life works out like that but what I have learned with my struggles with anorexia/binge/purge disorder is that it's the most difficult thing I have been through in my life. My life was perfect and it was taken by mental illness. I lost a lot of people during this last year of my life, people I really loved and cared about. I'm not going to be upset by it though, yeah I miss them but I've got the people that were their for me 110% I love my friends and I have learnt how it feels to be happy again. I have new friends in my life aswell as the old ones I have a whole new different career path.

My life has changed so much and I'm learning to accept that. No way will I ever let myself get as bad as I did again I never want to feel that small again. I'm keeping my loved ones as close to me as I can.

I still struggle on a day to day basis and I'm learning to deal with that I'm getting better, yes I relapse but they are fewer and fewer. I'm getting my health back. I'm getting my happiness back and I'm beginning to love and enjoy life again. I don't weight myself or measure how tiny I am I'm just eating what I want and when I want. I'm overcoming my eating disorder it's going to be extremely difficult to one day live with out it but it's worth it. Recovery is worth it. The reason I'm writting this is because a girl helped me by sharing her story. I noticed I had a problem when I read hers and if I help just one person or raise even the slightest bit of awareness then I will go to sleep a happy lady.