DESTINY

CHAPTER SIX

 CHAPTER SIX

 Staring at myself in the mirror, I feel different. What is it? For some reason, I just don't look right. I know for sure that it is just my imagination. But for some reason, I just look out of place here. In the bathroom that is just off from my room, I look strange. I always check my outfit, hair, eye liner and mascara in the morning in here and I repeatedly look the same. Now, I look different. Have my looks changed?

 I walk out of my bathroom, shoving the thought out of my mind for now. There are other things I have to think about right now. As I pass my dresser, I steal a look at the picture of Kitty and me having fun with the camera. Our faces are bright with smiles and eyes squinted from laughter. I look away quickly. I can't bring myself to look at her.

 After I have placed my feet into slingbat flats and make sure my hair is perfect, I walk down the steps. We have a mirror placed across from the stairs, so I look at myself as I walk down. I wear a sheer light -yellow flowing top and gray skinny jeans, my hair in a bun on top of my head, close to the looks of a messy bun. States Division occupant all the way.

 "There you are, dear! We'll be late if we do not make haste!" Mom ushers me out the door, where Kitty already sits in the car, dad leaning against the closed door. I bet neither of them spoke a word to one another. 

 "Get in!" Mom pushes me forward, a love push, not a hard one, and I open the door. I look at Kitty before I sit. Then, I don't look at her as I close the door beside me and buckle in. "Are you girls excited?" Mom asks, eyes wide and hands clenched tightly. Her smile is unbelievably huge this morning. 

 Kitty and I nod at the same time. "Oh, you girls are nervous." She puckers her lip. Dad drives through our division, and as we pass houses, I see homes with children in their twelfth year at school walking to their cars or pulling out of the driveway. At one house, I see a boy standing by the car his family is going to use to get to town, his mother standing before him fixing his bow tie. We pass India's home, but their car is already gone.  

 The ride into town is particularly quiet. Usually mom and dad will be talking about his work, usually done in his office all day but sometimes going into the building where the President lives for meetings, or Kitty and I will be talking about what we usually talk about, which is most of the time anything other than school and our division. But today, the ride is quiet. I keep my eyes trained on the window and the things outside. I haven't looked at my sister since I was entering the car.

 I look at the other cars we pass on the road into the city. Everyone sort of has a glum look about them. For the first time since I sat in the car, I look forward. My eyes go to the rear view mirror, curious about what I was thinking earlier. Still the same. What is it that is making me look different? When I look at the surrounding cars, most of them States Division occupants since we all sort of left at the same time, they all look the same. I look different from them.

 Buses begin to show up on the road from the exits leading from Papillon Division. This makes me think of yesterday, and I feel a pain rush through me. I close my eyes to numb the pain. As I sit there, nothing to do but think, I feel another emotion besides pain. Guilt. Where did this come from? Why should I feel guilty? Because I don't want to remember this pain, don't want to have to live through it. 

 This realization surprises me, but not as much as it should. It should shock me that I don't want to have to remember my family, as much as I care about them. But I want to put this life of not belonging behind me. Forget about it. Not have to live with it for the rest of my life.

 __________________________________________________________________________

 I walk behind my parents as we, and the other States occupants, walk towards the elevators to bring us up to the floor where the Divisions Commitment will take place. Kitty walks beside me, but I can't look at her. But it isn't for the same reason as it was just fifteen minutes ago. Fifteen minutes ago I didn't want to look at her because I was upset and, yes, a little angry at her for speaking to father the way she did. I know her change is imminent, but she didn't have to be so unkind in the way she told him. 

 Now, fifteen minutes later, I can't bring myself to look at her in fear I am betraying her in wanting to forget her, to forget our parents. It's pretty close to the feeling of when you tell just a little white lie to someone- not a big one, but it's a lie all the same. But as some of States occupants file into the elevator, me being crammed in the back and positioned with my face staring at someone's back, I feel that my decision is what is best. Actually, I feel pretty good about my decision to forget this life. I mean, I always knew I didn't belong.

 The elevator dings! and the people in front start walking forward, letting everyone get out. I stare forward, feeling confident. We walk into a fairly large lobby filled with people going through two big, wide wooden doors to get into an even larger room. When we walk past the doors, I am speechless at how big this room is. I feel like the little six and a half year old girl I was ten years ago when I first walked into the loading room to go home on the buses at school. 

 Bleachers curve along the back of the round, pearl-ish colored room, seven columns every few feet stand in, sort of, front of the bleachers but almost in the middle of the room, leaving enough space between each of them for occupants from each division to stand in. In the middle of the room is empty space for... what? There is nothing in the middle of the room, just emptiness. 

Mom and dad turn to Kitty and me, pulling us aside so others can pass. I was expecting a little talk before the commitment began. I see a lot of parents, actually, speaking to their children before they are separated from their child to sit in the bleachers while the child stands between their appointed division columns. "Alright, girls... this is it! It's now or never to stay true to who you are." Mom says, her face looking a little pained. She's hoping that we will stay true to where our parents are, but she knows for sure that Kitty is changing. But she says this in hopes for me. 

 I look away from her, trying to act nervous instead of feeling disloyal to her. She's my mom, after all. But then I am remembered of my decision, and I feel confident again. That is, until dad says, "I love you, girls. My girls." He pulls the two of us close to him before we know what is happening. This is his prideful way of saying he was sorry for yesterday without saying sorry. 

 "Alright, go on." Mom says, shewing us away. Kitty keeps looking at me the whole time we walk to our columns. When we step between them, she pushes me against the wall, hard.

 "What is up with this attitude, Seri?" She asks angrily. A few people give us glances. "Don't look at them, look at me!"  

 I shove her off of me, my strength a little more powerful than hers. "Get off of me." I growl at her. She gives me a dirty look, so I say, "Don't look at me like that, don't you dare. If anything we should be using this time wisely since we'll be parting in about two and a half hours." Her look fades into something not as mean, but she's still angry.

 "Why wouldn't you even look at me while we were in the car?" She asks, and I look down at the floor. We move closer together to make room for the ever growing crowd of States occupants. It's amazing to think how many people alone are in this division, when there are six other divisions the same size. It's a lot of people.

 When I don't answer her, she goes on. "It hurt me more than when you wouldn't say anything to me yesterday, after the..." she trails off. I look up at her, her angry face has gone to a softer, more subtle look. 

 "At first I was upset at the things you said." I say. She opens her mouth to defend why she said what she did, but I interrupt her. "But then I got over that, and I couldn't look at you then because I felt bad..."

 "About ignoring me?"

 "No." I say with a little laugh and smile. "Sort of, but mostly because I felt bad that I was willing to forget you and the life I had there."

 Kitty shakes her head quickly, saying, "No, no, Seri. Don't feel bad. You know that I want you to be content with what you chose, even if it means having to forget me. It's okay, really... I understand." We look at each other, half smiling and half trembling. We hold on to each others arms and look out into the crowd. 

 "So Papillon, right?" I ask in a whisper. She waits a few seconds before she nods her head up and down.

 "Yea..." She rails off. "And you?" 

 My mouth opens to answer, but then I realize the truth. I haven't decided which one I'm going to commit to.