i like hurting boys.
mentally and emotionally, barely physically.
ive never physically abused a guy in my entire range of dating.
only a few, those i feel a deep remorse for.
the ideal thing is, i like it. the harmful actions i commit towards innocent boys brings a deep joy.
it's like when you hear about people who've killed other people and these people say how they felt no regret for doing what they did.
im like that.
i feel no regret for mentally and emotionally abusing the boys who i make fall madly in love with me. how their eyes would lower and their face would show shock. i love the way how they would desperately try to hold in salty tears from how bad i was hurting them. almost like i was literally dragging a knife across their hearts and repeatedly saying such phrases like, "if you scream ill cut deeper."
then after harm was done, i balance it.
i beg to feel the hatred that scar their hearts.
i beg for some type of justice to be done.
i used to mess around with men three sizes bigger than my small frame.
my big of a mouth would cause me to engage in serious trouble.
when alcohol controlled my body, i would go to a guy that sat there with a full cup of beer in his hand with his hat that sat backwards on top of his head.
i would go up to someone with similar characteristics and call them such words as, "faggot."
their blood would normally boil and their fist would make harmful contact against the side of my face.
i think this is why i turned to a different strategy to hurt boys.
so i wouldn't be talking in the physical harm that my words meant to mentally hurt.
out of all the boys i dated in the past, one stood out the most.
it was about one year ago.
i worked at a skate shop(still do).
he worked as a clothing designer.
we both lived in the city of chicago. a home with a rooftop that was available to go on.
for about several months i would see his damaged, bleached hair that matched the tone of his extremely pale skin. his plump lips that usually held cigarettes in between.
he was special because of how he wasn't afraid to show how much damage i was causing him. he wasnt afraid to let uncontrolled, pain caused tears to roll down his rose tinted cheeks.
after a couple of dates of me forcing a nice attitude, i would hurt him(like what i did to everyone i dated).
i would let unkind words out.
"what do you think about this?" he would ask, showing me the clothing that trapped his body.
"ugly. makes you look fat." i would say blankly as i watched his once slightly confident look, fall.
later that evening we would end up at some cheap bar that had only older men and a few older women.
i looked around the place bored out of my mind after chugging down a shot with the hopeless boy who sat across from me.
"how about we go somewhere else." he suggested after a few moments of the heavy silence that weighed us down.
"sure, this place is as boring as our relationship." i mumbled lowly, but loud enough for his ears.
we ended up at another pub, but with more people. younger people.
nick ordered many drinks and we both drank them. i looked around and saw many boys laughing and dancing.
i looked back at him and let out a laugh.
"you know you're so fucking pathetic," i started as i lead my gaze towards the tired boy. not physically tired, but mentally.
after a few moments of me looking around, i add on, "theres so many boys in here who look way better than you do, yet, im sitting here pretending to be in love with you." i spat. i noticed that tears started to well up as he sat there letting me continue to beat him up with my words.
"also, to add on, i ended up cheating on you. what he made me feel was way better than what you can do. why? because you're shit at everything. you-i cant even get turned on by you. i have to think of someone else when we're going at it." i said as my right index finger played with the ends of my blue hair.
i would throw hurtful words at him every day, until some evening in march.
the boy who would cry for several months had enough and left with items that he felt were valuable to his well being and a single kiss to my forehead.
now, im looking at a boy with short, soft, cotton candy like, pink hair.
he looks at his phone that rest in his hand for majority of the time, sometimes looking around.
i let my feet lead me towards him.
"hey," i greet with a smile. he jumps a little and looks up from his phone.
"oh, hi," he greets back with a forceful smile.
"sorry, i-i didnt mean to scare you." i apologize.
"it's ok, can i help you?" he asks with his voice softened.
"no, but can i buy you a drink?" i ask as i look towards the counter top with a variety of alcohol beverages.
he nods and proceeds to look back at his phone, finishing a text.
i order a cup of malibu and asked for it to be mixed with pineapple juice.
he soon puts his phone on the small wooden table and lets out a short breath. the phone screen lights up and the lockscreen reads the time, 9:34 pm, and shows a picture of a boy around both of our age, but on a hospital bed. the boy has bags underneath his brown eyes, his lips has a variety of cracks from the dry air, and a messy mop of thick, black hair that rest on top of his head.
"who's that?" i quiz.
he looks at me and lowers his eyes to the phone screen.
"oh, he-he was my ex," he says softly as he darts his eyes towards the dirty ground.
"he, um, died of a car crash. this was the last forced smile picture i got out of him."
"tell me about him." i say as i touch his arm gently with my fingertips.
"well, he was very nice. he always had a soft heart for everyone. he always made me feel special. he always told me how beautiful i was when having doubts. i dont know, he was just amazing." he rambles.
"here you go." the bartender says as he hands me the small glass cup.
i mumble a quick thanks before handing the cup to the boy who you could tell wasnt at his best in the very moment, because of the lost he had recently encountered with a boy he very much loved.
"thank you." he says as he takes the cup from my hand.
i watch as he finishes the cup and then as he checks the time on his phone.
"it's 10:35, i think im going to go. nice talking with you, um, person i do not know the name of." he giggles as he grabs his phone and slides it into the pocket of his jeans.
"matt." i reply, filling in the blank of his sentence.
"cute, my name is joba." my eyebrows furrow once he introduced his name as joba.
"well, j-joba. see you around?" i ask with hope in my tone.
he nods with a smile and hands me his shiny, black phone.
i enter my number into his contacts and save it before handing it back.
"bye, matt." he waves, topping it off with that angelic smile of his.
___
lol idk abt this one. lmk what u think.
