Excavations and Enlightenment (A sequel to "Caveats and Cliches")

Chapter 1: Give Credit Where Credit Is Due

Standing in front of a second floor castle window, I'm breathing in the chill spring morning and relishing a few moments reprieve from the moil of the day. The early morning sun gives everything a golden glow, making the Goblin City appear more resplendent and inviting than usual. Enjoying this rare view of my kingdom, I cast my eyes towards the horizon, and catch sight of my wife making her way back to the castle. Sarah has only been my queen for a short time, but far from being an aloof monarch, she is quite a 'queen of the people'. Or, in this case, goblins. She has taken to her position naturally, if unpoetically, laying hand to menial and inelegant tasks throughout the realm. Which is probably why she is currently ambling up to the city gate nearly covered in mud and adorned with a halo of straw sprouting from her dark hair. Seeing her stop to greet the guard, I pull my attention from the scene and hurry downstairs.

By the time Sarah steps inside, I'm waiting with a perfectly frothed cappuccino and a healthy dose of offended sensibilities. Seeing me, she beams and I feel myself melt; transforming from haughty Goblin King to hapless slave. I don't let it show for a second, though. Instead, I regard her begrimed appearance with the appropriate air of reproach; a distinct frown, raised eyebrow and scornful tilt of the head. Sarah gives my performance less consideration than a Hollywood casting director for a low budget film; simultaneously scooping the coffee from my hand and pulling me into a kiss. Dispensing with the charade, I lean into her.

"So, what inspired this... earthy fashion statement at the break of day?"

Instead of answering, she gives her full attention to the cup of coffee, savoring it with eyes closed and a sigh of contentment.

"This is amazing! I know there's something you're adding to make it taste like this. One day I'll get you to tell me what your secret ingredient is."

Karilex pods. Imagine a drunken Madagascar vanilla bean combined with a Caribbean coconut and a Georgia pecan. That's what karilex pods taste like. Not that I'm ever going tell her that. I'm still trying to convince her it is skill alone that makes my coffee the best in all the known spheres.

"Pure artistry. But perhaps you'd care to tell me why you abandoned me this morning to go roll in the mud?"

"Oh, the chicken coops at the hatchery were badly dilapidated. Hoggle thought they should be replaced completely and the goblins needed a hand with the heavy lifting."

Hoggle. Of course. My frown becomes more genuine. Hoggle had turned traitor against me and helped Sarah the first time she came to the Underground. As queen, Sarah had issued a public pardon and welcomed him back to the royal family's good graces. Which just meant he was a legally established thorn in my side. Taking note of my expression, Sarah changed the subject.

"Well, I'm going to clean up. We need to get packed and ready in time for Toby's graduation ceremony."

And just like that, she's off, leaving me with an empty coffee cup and a muddy smear across my chest.

Packing does nothing to improve my mood. In the past my trips to the human world were so brief, I would simply project an illusion of their ridiculous costumes over my own clothing. But now that we take more frequent and longer trips to visit my brother-in-law, I have to actually wear the ludicrous fashions of that world during our visits. After a modicum of input from me, Sarah dismisses me and I gratefully depart to my throne room, eagerly looking for a distraction. Relief comes in the form of my brother standing next to his suitcase, fiddling with a crystal.

"Hello, Easton."

Easton looks up with a grin.

"Good morning, brother! You appear to be in one of your signature bad moods."