Excavations and Enlightenment (A sequel to "Caveats and Cliches")

Chapter 7: When The Cat's Away, The Mice Play

The next day we check out of our hotel and haul our bags to the dojo. Final decisions on what to leave and what to bring are made. We transition all of it over to the castle. I take a step into the great hall and stop. The whole room is strewn in white. I stare, uncomprehending, at the mess before me.

"Is...is that toilet tissue??"

Sarah peeks over my shoulder.

"Ah. Yes. The subject of TP-ing may have come up in conversation while we were working on the chicken coops..."

My head whips around and I scowl at her. She bats innocent eyelashes at me while barely restraining her laughter.

I make a disgusted noise. "Easton, call someone to clean up this mess. And you," I point to Sarah. "Start rounding up the misfits you intend to bring along with us."

"Yes, dear." She says, still snickering quietly. As she turns to leave, I call after her.

"We are never going on vacation again!"

The sound of her laugh echoes cheerfully all the way down the corridor. Once the hall has been cleaned, Toby and I work at packing and arranging supplies. The map that Pema drew in her journal is not detailed enough for us to be able to transition directly to the site of the dig. Only the city or town from which the path begins is specified, so we will have to start there and then interpret the rest as we go. This means we will have to carry most of our supplies. We work late into the afternoon, painstakingly stocking and restocking the massive hiking packs that Sarah picked out for us. Sarah calls me about the time we are finishing up.

Grateful for the break, I stride outside to see a group of about fifteen goblins standing in a line before Sarah and Hoggle.

"My Lord, may I present your excavation crew!"

She says it with respectful dignity, honoring me as well as the volunteers. I make a point of walking slowly down the line, hands clasped behind my back, carefully inspecting the company the way a general would his troops. Reaching the end of the row, I come face to face with Hoggle. Since we generally make a point of avoiding each other, I pause and eye him cautiously. He gives me a courteous bow.

"Your Majesty."

Like Sarah, his tone is deferential, with no hint of impertinence. I decide on tolerance.

"Hello Hoggle. Are you quite certain your team is up to the challenge?"

"Them's the strongest and fastest in all the Goblin City, Sire."

"Excellent. We leave in the morning, make sure they are all well prepared and ready to leave on time."

"Yes, Your Majesty."

Sarah and I head back to the castle, leaving Hoggle to make any last minute arrangements.

"That was less messy than I thought it would be." Sarah says once we are out of ear shot. "I haven't seen you and Hoggle speak to each other since I gave him a pardon."

"Really, Sarah, you don't believe I would waste time settling an old score when there are far more pressing matters to attend to, do you?"

"Actually, digging up petty grudges at inopportune times sounds exactly like the kind of thing you would do."

"Oh now, is it proper for a queen to have so little faith in her king? Perhaps it is you that should be taught a lesson."

Sarah raises an eyebrow and tilts her head in a familiarly cocky way.

"Mmmm, remind me, how has that worked out for you in the past, My Dear?"

Toby and Easton give us disgusted looks when we come in, laughing a bit too jubilantly at our own banter.

"We have a problem." Easton says. "There's too much equipment, we can't carry all of it and our backpacks. Plus we are going to need extra supplies for the goblins that are accompanying us."

Sarah taps her lips thoughtfully, but I already have a solution, some what unpleasant though it may be.

"I'll have the knights hook a wagon to a couple of tendril jacks. They can pull all our supplies."

Easton wrinkles his nose.

"Ew, this excursion just got significantly smellier."

"It's a good idea, I've been thinking the goblins will have trouble keeping up with us, if we bring two wagons we will be able to travel faster." Sarah says, "I'll tell the knights to give the jacks a bath."

"We should bring a few extra volunteers to cook and manage the camp. That way we will be able to concentrate on the dig." I add.

Toby frowns. "Aren't we supposed to be keeping a low profile. Underground riding creatures and wagons filled with goblins sounds like quite a spectacle."

"We will just have to avoid running into anyone."

The next morning, I'm bringing Sarah her coffee and making a mental list of things to do before we leave, when I walk in on Toby and Sarah in a heated discussion.

"Really, Toby? Never?"

"Come on, Sar, you know mom! If it wasn't a five star hotel, it wasn't happening!"

"Alright, alright. I'll make some checklists or something and we can go over this later. Can you run down to the stables and see if the Knights have the wagons ready?"

Toby scurries from the room and Sarah rubs at her eyes.

"Ugh. I should not have had that conversation so early in the morning!"

"What seems to be the problem?"

"Toby has never been camping. He has no idea what to bring and no concept of what roughing it means."

"I noticed that a bit yesterday when we were packing the sacks. He couldn't understand why I was only filling them halfway with equipment."

Sarah snorts into her cup, recognizing right away what I'm getting at. "Was he planning on bringing his clothes in a carry on?"

"I believe Easton is having the same problem. For him, roughing it is staying with us."

Sarah laughs aloud at this. "Oh no. What have we gotten ourselves into? The first time one of them complains about no bathroom facilities, I'm going to wish that the goblins would come and take them away!"

"If only it were that easy."

After a moment, Sarah says, "Actually, I'm surprised you are so adept at this. You've been camping before?"

"In a manner of speaking. I campaigned with my troops, it's fairly similar."

"Ah, the infamous Underground conflict. Does it have a name?"

"Probably...if I were to guess it would be something along the lines of a very rude curse combined with my name."

Sarah smirks, "Oh, is that what everyone keeps saying when I tell them who my husband is? I thought it was just a reference to your stunning personality."

"Alright, Your Insolent Highness, get back to work! We are already behind schedule."

'Behind schedule' ends up being the theme of the day. My knights with their tendril jacks and the wagons are the only ones that are actually prepared to depart. I have to give very specific instructions to the excavation goblins on what to bring (like tools that fit their size) and what not to bring (like kitchen chairs). Sarah has to do the same with the camp maintenance and cooking crew. (Pots and pans, yes; live chickens, no.) Toby and Easton are able to get the wagons loaded with equipment and pack the necessary clothes and personal items in their own sacks, but by the time all is said and done it's nearly night. Dinner is quiet, and we all retire early to get a good night's sleep and try again tomorrow.