How It All Started

Chapter 1

Katy's P.O.V
That night i went home thinking about Orlando what said. But change doesn't happen overnight, and also i'm a scorpio so i learn when i hit bottom.

That same night my phone rang several times and i decided if it was a good idea to pick up. I knew exactly who it was. And as usual my mind decided for the wrong choice.

"Hello?" - i answer the phone.
"Hi" - He said.

I was vulnerable, lonely and confused. I realized my problem was worst than just give myself to others. I was addicted to love, i need it someone to be by my side cherishing me and telling me i'm beautiful and strong because i didn't think i was those things. I didn't love myself.

I know what you thinking. 'Katy your wrote a song literally saying "i'm gonna love myself the way i want you to love me"'. Yes i did, but the thing is i wrote that song while i was being loved.

If you ever had an addiction you might understand what i'm saying. One minute you think you got everything figured out and then something comes over you and you just think cant go on if you didn't get that one thing, whatever that might be for you. In my case was love, that dopamine hit that you get every time someone tells you those three words, or complement you. It doesn't even have to be  someone i know, it can be from the public.

And don'd be so quick to judge. When you have millions of people screaming your name and telling you they love you, around the world, you come to me and tell me the affects it has on you.

And that night John was there, saying those words, and telling he was sorry. And my addicted self believed it.
"Look, i know you have all the motives to be mad at me but i'm sorry for what i said. You know me, i say things i don't mean when i'm stressed, i shouldn't have had take it out on you ok?" - He continued.
But not one thing came out from my mouth, i didn't know what to say really. My heart was telling me to forgive him and forget everything again but my mind was telling me otherwise, that everything would be the same and that he would left me aging. Ultimately the third part of me would decide - my body. And that part was sure it needed some love right now.

"C'mom my love" - that was it. What i had to hear for me to surrender myself one hundred percent.

John came home that night and loved me the way i needed to be loved. But the thing eith addictions is that once you're done you feel ashamed. Ashamed that you were weak that way.

The truth was that i didn't know if i love John, at the beginning i thought i did but then the fights started to happen and alcohol came made it worst for both of us. The only thing i knew was that he knew exactly how to win me. He'd choose his words very carefully like he did on the phone that night.

But he also knew how to escape when he'd feel like it was becoming too serious. And it wasn't different this time. Three days after that night he left a note in the pillow next to mine, saying he couldn't do this anymore, that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship with someone who expected something he wasn't. Oh and he also said he was sorry. Like that would change something.

I felt that same feeling once again, the same one i felt 3 years ago when my just spit it me out like i was some kind of poison. And John made it worse by saying it was my fault!
Remember when i said i only learned by hitting bottom? That was the bottom for me. From that day on my scorpio self was certain that i would work on this. Work on myself.

But its way easier to say then to do, so i spent a year away from serious relationships. I would go out have some fun but nothing serious. I was too scared to be left again.

In that same year i accomplished multiple things. I finished my tour, did the Super Bowl, was Forbes's highest paid woman, and all that but i still was trying to love myself the way i wanted to be loved.