How It All Started

Chapter 5

Katy's P.O.V

I don't know if i ever told you this but since i finished my tour and eventually my relationship with John, i've been seeing a therapist. Her name is Mrs. Frankel and i really enjoy the sessions i have with her.

She really helped me last year with my self-esteem and even my anxiety to give myself a break from work, which both are still a struggle for me.

It's been a week since Orlando and I started dating and today is my first session after the news. I've talked to her about him but she doesn't know we're dating. And that's what i'm feeling is going to be main topic of the conversation. 

Orlando is not filming anything for now but he knows i like to have my space and i also told him about my session so we agreed we'd meet at the end of the day in my house.

I go upstairs to get ready after i finish eating breakfast. I put on a black adidas tracksuit, grab my car keys and go out.

The thing with therapy sessions is that you never know what to expect. You can't predict on what subjects  you're going to touch, it's not a interview therefore you can't control anything. And that gives me major anxiety being the control freak i am.

As i get to Mrs. Frankel's clinic i try to remind myself she's a very kind woman and in the past sessions didn't gave me any reason to be scared.

'Mrs. Frankel is not the one you're scared of'- my mind kindly reminds me. Yeah, i really need someone to talk to.

I enter the reception and go directly to the balcony.
"Hi, i'm here to see Mrs. Frankel, I have an session scheduled for now, Katheryn Hudson" - i say to the receptionist, a young woman.

"Mrs. Frankel will be ready to see you in a minute Ms. Hudson"  - she says, not surprised or freaked out by who i am or anything, she's used to me coming here already.

I wait about 5 minutes until my name is called and Mrs. Frankel is ready to see me.

"Hi Katy, it's nice too see you again" - she says welcoming me to the room as i go sit in the couch i usually sit during the sessions.
"Hi Mrs. Frankel nice too see you too" - i say
"How was your past week?" - she asks.
"It was nice... a lot happened actually" - i say already starting to enter my vulnerable state. I hate this. I hate being so emotional.

"Really? And did you appreciate those thing happening?" - she asks.
"Yeah i guess... i mean thats what i wanted right? I wanted to live more. Let go of things." - i blab.
"And why am i getting the feeling you're not entirely happy?" - she ask.

She never asks me directly what i'm talking about, she drives me into telling her myself.

"Remember that trip i told about 2 weeks ago and how i was invited by a men i met a while ago?" - she shakes her head yes - "His name is Orlando by the way. Well, we started dating a couple of days ago and i like him very much and the feeling is mutual. But... i'm so locked up. I locked so many doors this past year and it's like i don't remember where i put all keys. I don't remember how to love..." - i say as she looked right into my eyes and just shook her head yes before saying:

"You say locked many doors in the past. Can you tell what they are?"

"The doors are my feelings. Love, empathy, anger, trust... All of them are gone except one. Fear. The only thing i feel is fear... of being vulnerable"

"Let's forget about Orlando for a moment. Think about your relationship with your friends, family and at work. Do you feel the same way when it comes to them?" - she asks

"Me and my friends have a lot of fun together and they're always there for me as i am for them, but every time one of them hugs me my heart races, meaning i don't feel comfortable being too touchy-feeling with people. I think that comes from my family and how i was raised, there weren't too much of that in our household. My parents would always travel and were always busy. But i love my parents, i think they did the best job they knew how to" - tears start form in my eyes as i couldn't hold them in anymore.