Our Little Secret

Built up secrecy and unclaimed promises.

A therapists confidentiality, how far does it extend towards? Making sure to ask if she would disclose what I would say, I was assured that what she told me was between her and myself.

I told her about my self harming, they already knew of course. When asked why, I mentioned my ex-boyfriend at the time who broke up me less then a month prior and an old friend who began to believe I was no good. She had started writing things about me online for the world to see but that I didn't find that out until after I left the hospital. All the smaller things began to add up.

I must have let something weird slip, she poked and prodded until I let some details out.

Those details and facts were enough for a case to eventually be built. I told her small parts about being molested and that I wasn't afraid of it, having being more then a few years ago and I was grown. Of course as anyone would be she grew nervous of what I said to her.

I didn't tell her that he asked me if he could go down on me once, and that I thought about it and replied, "Okay."

I didn't tell her about how we'd watch porn together sometimes and he would rub himself against the in-betweens of my thighs. I didn't tell her about how he tried to put it in once but I told him it hurt, and he stopped. I never said no. Why didn't I? Its so uncomfortable thinking about it all now.
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I can't recall another time I felt more ashamed and embarrassed. Confidential unless it dealt with the safety and health of the patient where there could be subsequent harm.

She told on me. It was all I could think.

I was so angry, I threw things. She tried to talk to me. I refused. I don't want to see her, she lied to me. The small trust I had for talking to anyone there had dissipated.

I closed the door on staff and locked myself in the bathroom. Of course it didn't actually lock so they could get in. My heart was pounding in my stomach. I tried to be sick. I couldn't get anything out, but I felt so nauseated. Refusing to listen, I pushed staff away and ran to my shared room throwing anything at the door at anyone who dared to enter. They couldn't get me to calm down, I was so mad. I refused to see my mother, to talk after what she heard.

Eventually I calmed down and a staff was assigned to watch me closer, hourly.
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