Our Little Secret

Oblivious as can be.

I never realized anything was wrong until I got older. I was oblivious. Personally, I think it's incredible. How simple mind tricks can lead a child to believe something is normal or allowed.

Growing up with certain habits, I thought nothing was out of the ordinary with what was going on. But yet again I never really understood the concept of life.

Middle school came and went, guess you can say I began to open up my eyes.
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I'll briefly explain what I can, because I honestly don't want to go to detailed with it. Some things are honestly just left unsaid.
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The beginning was just being rubbed against, and then forced hand and blow jobs. I would catch someone watching randomly through the gap in the door, and when I said something they would disappear. Then the tv porn began. As we grew a tiny bit older he "somehow" mysteriously found the channels to x rated material that we should not be watching.

As we both hung out with my father more, he would join around during such situations. Then it would just be me and him.
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I hate writing this honestly, because when I read it back I think it's just as cringey as it sounds. I never speak about it because it makes me very uncomfortable. Why didn't I say no? Why didn't I tell anyone? Did I enjoy this? Thinking back I never felt any feeling. I just went along with it to make them happy.

And then I read back these small chapters and I think, how would he feel reading this? And I revise what I wrote. Why? Because I'm not trying to hurt anyone. I'm not trying to incriminate anyone or tell the truth. In my life I have already, to the people who know me the closest. Why involve more people into my old past problems? Especially when my futures bright, and always has been.

I can tell the whole world and ruin the lives of people I once did love, and still do in a way. Or I can remain anonymous and explain the story as truthfully as I can, or as much as I remember of it. For the sake of my peace of mind at least.
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I found myself serving the two males in my life in ways I shouldn't have at that age. I tried to please, honestly I didn't know what would happen if I did not follow along. I never was beaten or hit, only when I really wasn't listening as a kid and that was very rare.

Watching material eyes of my age shouldn't be watching, I was shown pictures and videos of adults that I knew personally, and that I didn't. It made me realize, I could have been recorded for all I know. He would frequently ask me if I wanted to record friends on the block if I invited them over to hangout, but when I heard that something in my head would say no. I always tried to avoid that, but I don't know if he found a way around it. Porn sometimes would turn on the laptop while I had friends over and we all would make eww sounds and they would be confused, "what's going on," they would say. But I knew it was my father. I was embarrassed. I think moments like this was when I became slightly more aware. I still didn't understand but I knew something wasn't right. I was SO oblivious then, I hate it.

Sometimes there would be sexual toys, vibrators of sorts. This is when even I began to think, I just enjoyed it didn't I? I would willingly use these toys. It makes me think now when I'm older, wow I really started young hoeing it out didn't I. I laugh to myself sometimes about it. I knew it pleased me, and him, so I never said anything. It was our secret. How cringe.

I never really had an innocent childhood. When I see innocence, sometimes I'm in awe because of how fragile that time period is. Almost like someone telling a child Santa doesn't exist and the thin layer of reality breaks, then everything is different.
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