Our Little Secret

Hibernating behind a protective barrier of distance.

Everything came down somewhat to a halt when I found excuses. I'm on my period, I would say. That would be good enough. The older I grew, the less time I spent around the other half of my family.

Almost 10 years, I think to myself. Ten years of oblivious acceptance for being touched.

Considering myself lucky, is what I tend to focus myself on. "Not too shabby. Abused but not beaten or forced. What a lucky gal." Is it right to think that way? It doesn't feel like it.

How do I go about it, repairing old wounds?
~

Driving home from work today, I was suddenly overwhelmed with guilt. A sick feeling had overwhelmed me as I thought back to memories that I thought I had buried.

Sometime after everything was known, my fathers daughter, my step sister had contacted me on Facebook. I say step sister only to differentiate the fact that she was not from my mother, but had her own. But she was there during my childhood, and I think of her as just, sister.

She missed me, everyone from there did. They wanted me to come over. They never came here on the small fact that my mom was here and another man, but they were always welcome. My mother wasn't liked for some reason by my grandmother. They just didn't get along.

It was some time after the confrontation between my stepdad and dad that I decided to tell her.

Now I was the one who said something.

She had two beautiful children, my niece and nephew and I grew worried for them. What if it happened to them too?

I never saw her real reaction or what happened afterwards with all of them. I don't know if she kept the kids away or just monitored him while he watched over them. By just wanting them to be safe, in turn I possibly ruined the relationship he had his other daughter and grandchildren as well.

I asked her if he did this to her, she said no. I don't know if it's the truth, it probably is. I don't think she would have lied to me about something like that.

My nervousness kept me from speaking to her face to face. I couldn't do it, so I told her online. Hiding behind the screen, something I did often.

Then I stopped going by to visit. We all went different ways and my relationships with the other side of my family soon grew to become a distant faded memory.

Was distancing myself from half of my family and in turn loosing them, worth keeping myself safe?
~