Hiding Place || Tori Kelly

Romans 5:3-5

the next day

1:30 AM

The ship slowly chugged along the open sea as André shut off the X-Box and placed the controller on the side table, while Tori shut the sliding door of the bedroom and walked up the two steps and stood at her vanity in the bathroom. Her face was flushed and she had a bunch of hickeys on her neck and chest, causing an eye roll. "Murillo," she whispered. Tori quickly changed from her bikini and came out of the closet in a sports bra and shorts. Quietly she stood by the bed.

"Come here," André whined, with outstretched arms. Tori shook her head then grabbed her bible and notebook.

"Nope. You've had your time," she smirked, pointing to the hickeys with her highlighter, "it's his turn." Tori waltzed out of the bedroom and onto the balcony. "Okay God," she said, as she sat down and placed her stuff on the glass table. Tori realized that while she was singing Ocean and Julissa to sleep with Psalms 42, that she truly needed God. She had realized that she hadn't been true to her faith for a while now. She hadn't been studying like she was supposed to and definitely hadn't been talking to God like she should've. "I'm here and I am ready to hear from you." Tori shut her eyes and felt the wind weave through her hair. The silence cleared Tori's mind and led her to a verse she remembered hearing in school. The singer let her eyes flutter open and guide her to James 1: 2-8.

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

Tori internally read the scripture and bit her lip. Her forehead wrinkled as she read it twice more. "I'm not doubting... I'm just," Tori realized that she was about to justify her doubt and nodded. "I see what you're saying," she sighed. The mother-to-be wrote down the verses, an application, and a prayer. "I miss him, God. I was so happy to be a mom. Timmy was my world and you took him," Tori cried.

While talking with Alexa, Tori came to the conclusion that hesitation with having kids stemmed from a place of unnamed anger towards God. She'd never put a title to the feeling that she had for the Lord of her life out of fear. She was afraid God would love her less if she said that she was angry with him. But, Alexa reminded her that, God already knew her frustration and wanted her to own up to it so he could walk her through it and eventually out of it. "You let me feel him move and respond to my touch, just to take him away. And while it probably wasn't even your fault, I had 5 weeks with him. That's all I got!" Warm tears streamed down her cheeks. "I never got to hold him. Or kiss him. I never even got to meet him," Tori wept. "And now you give me this child and I'm gonna be honest, God, I'm terrified to lose them. I'm fearful that if I mess up you'll take this one away too," she admitted. "I know. I know everything goes according to your plan. And I know that having a baby that I wasn't prepared for was going to hinder my career and possibly my faith. And I thank you for looking out for me, it just...still hurts," Tori whispered, drying her tears and glancing back into her word. As she skimmed, the sticky note attached to the bottom of the page with Romans 5: 3-5 written on it underneath the word perseverance had caught the singers eye. Slowly, Tori flipped through the worn pages of her His & Her Marriage study bible, before she came face to face with the passage.

3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.