Two-Faced || Cesar Diaz

Chapter Twelve

R O S A L I N A

Yesterday Monse and I hung out at the park and went to eat lunch afterwards. There wasn't really much to it, but we did get to know each other more. We talked and talked about our lives. She did most of the talking. It felt a little weird talking about myself and my life. I just need to be able to fully trust her. I do, just not on that level yet. Besides, I'm pretty sure that there's some things she left out that she isn't ready to say yet.

Once again, my moms at work and who knows when she's getting back. As for Javier, he's just a lost cause. It feels like I'll never see him again. I mean, I'm sure I will. It's just not anytime soon. It makes me sad that things aren't the way they used to be. We were all so happy. I wish I could just go back in time.

I finally decide that I should get out of my bed and go make lunch for myself. I have no idea what to eat. I go into my fridge and decide on a sandwich and some chips. It's basic but I'm not in the mood to actually cook anything.

As I finish putting the potato chips on my plate, there's a knock on my back door in the kitchen. It startled me at first. I grab a kitchen knife just in case and I peek through the blinds. I see that it's only Cesar. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding in. I unlock the door and open it. I set the knife down on the counter.

"God you scared me for a second there," I say closing the door behind him.

"You were gonna stab me with a knife?" he laughs. I squint my eyes at him.

"Yeah, and what about it?" I ask.

"Doesn't seem like something you could do," he says. I let out a laugh.

"Believe me Cesar Diaz, there's a lot of things I could do. Mind you my brother is the leader of a gang? Also the fact of the town we live in? You're hilarious," I say taking a bite of my sandwich.

"You got me there," he says stealing one of my chips.

"Grab your own, I'm hungry," I say pulling my plate towards me. He gets up and grabs the bag of chips. He walks back over to me and starts to eat the chips. "Did I tell you Monse and I hung out yesterday?" I ask him. He stops eating.

He's quiet for a second before saying, "Why?"

"I don't know, I guess she wanted to hang out. She said that she wanted to start fresh with me and become friends. She basically said the same thing you did, about how it was best if you guys were just best friends," I say. I finish the last bite of my sandwich and put the plate in the sink.

"Huh, well that's good I guess," he says. I nod my head.

"Yeah, I could use more friends. Don't get me wrong, you're great and all but...," I trail off jokingly.

"Hey!" he laughs. I laugh with him.

"I'm only joking, but seriously. I have like zero friends. You don't count because you're my boyfriend," I say. He smiles at me.

"I never imagined how great it would sound hearing that come from you about me," he says.

"You're cute," I say walking out of the kitchen and into my room. I hear the chip bag crinkling, he's probably putting them away. I lay down on my bed and stare up at the ceiling.

I hear Cesar enter the room and I feel the bed dip beside me. He lays down and I pull the blankets over us. I lay my head on his chest and close my eyes. "Cesar, do you think we'll last?" I ask him.

"I'd like to think we will. Why?" he asks me with a hint of worry in his voice.

"I'm just thinking, what are we gonna do when the time comes to tell our families?"

"I'm not really sure, but we'll figure it out then. For now, let's just enjoy living in the moment," he says, giving me a kiss on the forehead. I can't help but to still think about it. I don't think my mom would really care, but Javier on the other hand. I think he'll hate me even more if that's possible.

I'm worried for how he'll react, maybe it's best to never tell him. No, that'd only make things worse. God, I'm really torn here. I really should just worry about it when the time comes. Otherwise it'll stress me out way too much. I don't really need that right now.

I still can't help to think about it though. "I think my brother would hate me even more, if that's even possible," I say.

"Your brother could never hate you, Rosalina. You guys are family. You all are just going through a tough time right now, I've been there. It'll get better," he says.

"But what if I made it worse?" I say.

"Are you saying you'd rather not be together?" he asks with hurt evident in his voice.

"No, god no. I just can't help thinking about stuff like this. I'm sorry, Cesar, of course I want to be with you," I say hugging him.

"It's okay." He rubs my back and I internally breathe a sigh of relief. Why do I always manage to somehow almost fuck things up? I'm such an asshole for even saying that to him. What was I thinking?

Just when I thought I was doing fine, I fucked that up too. I hate myself, I'm so stupid. My own family doesn't even talk to me anymore. I practically live in this house by myself. I made Cesar feel bad because I almost suggested we should break up when that wasn't what I wanted.

I don't know how I live with myself. I really don't. I don't know how Cesar can put up with my shit. I'm such a burden. I wish Cesar never would've came to my house that day. I wish my brother wasn't home. Then I wouldn't have to be some stupid burden to everyone.

They would've gone just fine without me. My death would've been a short mourn.

I feel a tear fall from my face. I look down at my left arm and I can see all of the scars from that day. Cesar must've felt me move my arm, because he grabs it. "Rosie, are you okay?" he asks worried.

"I'm fine, I think I'm just tired," I say. That one weight that was lifted off of me awhile ago, has now found its way back. It'll always keep coming back it seems.

"I'm staying with you tonight," Cesar says.

"No, what if my brother comes home?"

"Rosie, you and I both know your brother is more than likely not coming home tonight," he says. He's right, he's not coming home. Not tonight, probably not as long as I live here. Cesar is all I have now, I don't know if that'll be enough.