This is another oc submitted by IcyMidnight
NAME: Torrentheart
Pretty name, though -heart is a bit overused. I don't mind it though I have a few oc's with -heart as a suffix.
WHY: because she is a silver tabby and her pelt looks like a torrent. She is also very kind.
I wish there was a more dynamic way for her suffix to have been chosen instead of that she is kind. For example, when she was an apprentice she risked her life to save a [insert rival clan here] kit for a fox in the cost of her eye. This showed how kind she was even to a kit of another clan's. Just an idea though, there are other ways to make it work.
AGE: 35 moons
Younger warrior/queen but old enough to be a queen, realistic for the universe.
GENDER: Female
Usually people get mad about a female protagonist but I have no opinion on the matter.
CLAN: SilverClan
Overused as a clan name but it does fit her silver fur. XD
RANK: Queen
Ok, not many queen oc's.
PERSONALITY: very gentle personality, understandable, caring and wants to prove herself a parent than her own.
Maybe some more flaws like, brash when angry, or has a tough love so she pushes her children into doing things they aren't comfortable with. What I like to do with personalities is make a good trait then make another trait that combats it slightly, like a drawback. It makes your character more even. It can also be done in vise-versa.
FAMILY:
Mom: Cascadepaw, a silver tabby with a right white paw and yellow eyes.
Silver is a color that is associated with being pretty so I'm glad it didn't say a "pretty silver tabby". Though silver is a bit overused you make it work a lot better with not saying pretty.
Dad: Cedarleaf, brown spotted with a white underbelly and blue eyes.
Cedarleaf sounds absolutely adorable, I love his name and coloring!
Mate: Ripplepath, gray tom with blue eyes.
Simple, I like it. I also have always had an affinity for the prefix -ripple.
Kits: Otterkit, a gray tom with white paws and yellow eyes/
He looks a lot like his parents, good job with genetics. But, he is gray? His name is Otterkit, I won't take off points but is there a reason for this, cuz' otters are brown so, just wondering.
Saffirekit, gray tabby she-cat with blue eyes.
Is her name actually Saphirekit? Or is saffire a thing. Please tell me if it is I'm interested.
BACKSTORY: her mom was a loner and her father left them, she had a harsh childhood. After her mother's death, she met Ripplepath and joined her parent's clan. Now, mother of two 5 mouth old kits.
Her mom was a loner? But her name was Cascadepaw... was she in a clan previously? More information please. Her mother died, from what? I need more information on her childhood, what was it like? 'Her parents clan' her mother was a loner, wouldn't it just be her father's clan? What happened with her and Ripplepath, how did they fall in love?
This oc is probably a 6/10, this gal is a bit of a fixer-upper. She does have a good basis of character but this is just a skeleton of a good character. She needs to be fleshed out a bit. Here's a few things to work on;
-The -heart suffix. It's overused and always used for kind characters. I'd give a backstory for why she got it. With little information given about her I find -bloom would probably be a better suffix.
-SilverClan is a bit overused as a clan name. Maybe CoalClan, it's not very used and silver is something found underground as well (though I doubt that was what you were going for).
-She has virtually no flaws, I'd add some flaws or things that could happen because of this trait.
-Silver is an overused pelt color for a main character.
-her mom's name. She's a loner and has a clan name? I need more information on her mom's background.
-how her mother died. She couldn't have just dropped dead.
-uh, 'her parent's clan' her mom was a loner right...?
-how did she fall in love with Ripplepath? More information please.
Thanks for submitting her. It was lovely rating her. There are many flaws to sort out but once you get them fully sorted out and checked again you'll have it perfect, I just know. IcyMidnight I enjoyed our chat before so thanks for that. I hope for the best with your future oc making career. Have a lovely day.
