After All This Time - Book 2

Thirty Six

"Actors are agents of change. A film, a piece of theatre, a piece of music, or a book can make a difference. It can change the world."

- Alan Rickman, 1946-2016

~

Snape and I hadn't spoken once since we returned from Malfoy Manor. Various times Snape had made an attempt, at the end of class or in passing in the corridors, and each time I had avoided him at all costs. I knew he wasn't mad at me, Draco had spoken to him while Narcissa had been tending to him, but I still couldn't bare to look him in the eyes. It might not have bothered him, but it bothered me. Each time I saw him I was reminded of that moment, watching him writhe around on the floor as one by one his bones snapped in half. All I could think about were the fresh scars on his body, the ones that had been created by me.

In the few days following our meeting at the manor I hadn't slept much either. Night after night my restless feet found their way to the Astronomy Tower where I would sit for hours, staring out at the untouched Scottish countryside and grasping at straws. The first night Dumbledore had stumbled upon me. We didn't exchange any words. He rather just nodded at me and continued on his way.

It was now the following Saturday and I had once again found my way to the Astronomy Tower. Hermione, Ginny, and the others had dragged me to Hogsmeade that morning in an attempt to get me out of my funk. It took my mind off everything for a few hours, but as soon as we parted ways at Hogwarts my mind wandered back into the darkness. I had considered reaching out to my mother who worked in the Muggle world as a psychiatrist, but I knew I couldn't give her the full story and because of that she wouldn't truly understand.

A soft rustling and the muffled sound of hooves echoed up from the dark forest infront of me. I squinted my eyes to try and get a glimpse of the centaurs, but to no avail. I had heard the stories of Firenze, who had protected Harry in his first year and was now teaching Divination, but had never seen any centaurs besides him. I turned my gaze away from the rustling of trees in the forest and looked up towards the stars. Cassiopeia was visible straight ahead of me, the queen of Aethiopia. I had learned about her in Astrology at Ilvermorny, she was placed in the sky by Poseidon after enraging him by boasting that her daughter Andromeda was more beautiful than the sea nymphs. It was sort of interesting in a way how the Greek Gods and Goddesses had their own troubles and turmoil much like the ones we have on earth. It made me wonder for a moment if any of them had been in the same situation as I was: deceiving my friends and family in an effort to protect my own life.

The soft click of someone's heel brought me out of my head and back into the real world. I whipped my head around to see a tall, dark figure emerging from the winding staircase.

"Dumbledore informed me that you might be up here" he called out to me.

A dull pain shot through my chest as I glanced over him before turning back towards the scenery infront of me.

"Still avid on avoiding me?"

"I'm not avoiding you" I answered.

"Then please enlighten me on what exactly you are doing."

I stood there in silence for a few minutes, mulling over the best way to answer his pressing question.

"Avoiding you" I finally sighed.

"And pray tell, why is it that you are avoiding me?"

I stood there in silence again, keeping my eyes focused on the forest ahead of me as my chest tightened and tears began welling in my eyes.

"I am not angry with you Annalise" he stated.

I kept my eyes glued infront of me and listened as he slowly made his way towards me, stopping just a few feet behind me.

"But I hurt you" I whispered, trying with all my strength to hold myself together. I hadn't talked about what had happened with anyone since that day. And now, talking about it out loud and with the one person I had physically hurt caused every emotion I had been suppressing to come rushing in all at once.

"Narcissa mended me well" he said with the slightest chuckle. "You know it was not your doing. You had no control over your actions."

"But that's the problem, I was supposed to. I thought I had mastered my mind and yet this time he broke through and took over so easily and I-I just couldn't find the strength to fight back" I replied. By this point tears had began flowing freely down my cheeks. I quickly reached up and wiped them away with the sleeve of my jacket before finally turning to face Snape. The hardened and emotionless face I had expected to be met with wasn't there. Instead I was met with a face that I had rarely ever seen. The hard lines that covered his face had softened and his onyx eyes gave way to a hint of sadness.

"I'm sorry" I stammered as I reached up and wiped away a stray tear from my cheek. "I shouldn't been this distraught over it."

"You have every right to be" he said calmly as he reached out and placed a firm but comforting hand on my shoulder. "I wish I could tell you that it gets easier, yet it doesn't. I wish when I joined I had the same feeling as you do Annalise. I was hardened and felt no pain or remorse. Now I hold a guilty conscience and feel it all, years of it. You have to remember that this was not a choice of your own free will, but rather a choice of your life. It does not, and never will, define you as a person."

I nodded as I reached up and wiped the tears that had formed again as Snape was talking.

"Now, for both of our sakes, you have to talk to me. Keeping these pent up emotions is bad for you in a situation like this. I realize that I cannot help with everything, but to an extent I do understand what you are going through, as does Draco. I am also sure that Narcissa would also be more than willing to lend an ear if needed."

I nodded again as Snape stepped forward and wiped a tear from my cheek before he gingerly wrapped his arms around me. I carefully snaked my arms around his body and soon felt his tighten around my own.