What the Quiet Girl has to Say

The eyes part II

The eyes stopped staring
For a long while
This was the end
This was time
This was the time to move on
We were seniors who stared at each other but couldn't really seem to make things into reality
To be honest it's like we were never supposed to be a reality
Because I feel like it was-- or at least for me a learning experience.
The eyes recently glanced again
I had a new hairstyle -- I mean I'll say I look fairly good
To be honest all eyes stared
You get a new hairstyle and it seems like people notice your existence.
The eyes..
I still don't know what to expect..
Because it all been the same
I stared back at the boy staring at me and that was the constant vibe
But it never got far
Just Merely a stare, at times a smile, and an overthinking me trying to figure out what is behind this eye
Why it stared?
Sometimes the eye will stare and I wondered why
I wanted so badly to snap out of it when I'm staring back at someone and be like, "hey buddy why are you staring at me?"
Instead I just look away.. one time I even blush..other times I'm just trying to figure the eyes out
I will say it's partly my fault
Because I don't necessarily address the glance from an eye straight from the person
I feel like I be in so much denial
Like I either feel like they may like me but then again I don't
Because ... Just because of many emotions
The eye I once saw the least
I saw recently
Well I didn't but in my peripheral vision I did
I didn't want to look exactly straight at this person eye
I thought this person didn't come to this school anymore since I hardly seen him
But this day I did
And while looking at my peripheral vision
I notice that the eye was trying to look at my face.

Nothing & blank
When I say nothing & blank that was my feeling of this glance
It surely wasn't like before
It was just a feeling of blank & nothing now
But I knew why
I made this prayer to God that I wanted to forget about the eye and the feelings that came with these overwhelming emotions
I wanted in a way to free myself
Even if this isn't a toxic or probamatic suituation we may still have to free ourselves
I needed to because I had to come in turn with myself.
I needed to depart because I was making it toxic for myself
It is only just glances and stares how did I made it toxic to me? I realized that my insecurities was a huge play.
I began to question, "why would this person want to stare at me out of all the pretty girls, right" to "well maybe I am pretty if they're staring..?" but later quickly frown when I looked in the mirror and tried to see from their eyes what they see in me.
I couldn't see it.
So when I say nothing & blank
It seemed slowly that my prayer was somehow getting answered
There wasn't any darkness or evil with the eye or anything
But I knew it was time for me to let go
Time for me to stop relying on a glance or a stare from a boy to make me feel pretty I guess I'll say.
I went home
And look in the mirror
And saw my face
The only eye staring at me now was my reflection in the mirror
And I stared at a beautiful girl
I said in my mind why do I rely on the eye to make me feel beautiful but still I felt ugly
It was me looking at me
And I am the one to say first that I am
Beautiful
So I said it I am beautiful
While staring in the reflection staring back at me... with some sort of understanding or peace.. with a lift off my shoulders
With an understanding of the purpose and the confusion
Believe me I'm still working on my confident and self worth
But I thank God right now for helping me see a peak of what I was missing and having faith that I will understand fully my self worth and not to down play myself
Staring back at my reflection with inner Joy and peace was not the eye
But my eye

--- J.

We are all still growing... So let's grow.   So I would get a stare from a boy and I made those stares have so much value. Those stares made me feel pretty on top of the world. However every time I look at my reflection through a photo being taking of me or something like that I would try to see what they seen in me (the stares or glances). I frown at those photos... how can you ...? Or why are they...? I put so much value for an eye or a stare that I would essentially be confused by it. A guy stared, I questioned, and have many thoughts in my head. I had an insecurity. I had to let go because this 'value' I had wasn't making things right for me. So let go let go and let God help you.