I'll Hold you Tight | Edwin Honoret

blind

I was taken into a deep memory of us.

It was 2 in the morning on Saturday and the thought of Luca crossed my mind. "Blind" by PRETTYMUCH played in the back. I covered my mouth to muffle the cries of pain with a waterfall of tears soaking into my hair. I once thought your eyes were pools of honey. It was really a cover-up of who he truly is. How his soft brown hair would just wrap around my fingers every time I brushed through each strain. I closed my eyes to try and stop the tears streaming out of my eyes. Failing, each tear came with a thought of how everything was my own fault. In some way I could've prevented it, I could've protected myself and my own feelings so I wouldn't end up like this. Anyone who has ever loved me and who I've opened up to has told me none of it is my fault. For I am a person destroyed by one's actions. But I refuse to believe so. Not because I don't want to. Instead, it's because I can't. I try and fade into a deep sleep, yet the dark room suddenly was illuminated with only pictures of him. My mind spun around and every corner I looked there was only you. I covered myself up with blankets and pulled out my phone. I pulled up your contact and was tempted to call. I bawled some more attempting to stop myself from doing so. Immediately, I opened Snapchat to text Robyn. Suddenly, I just stopped. The red dot which indicated I had snaps from the past years. I open it up and see pictures of us dancing in Disneyland two years ago, and a year later, him kissing me on the cheek at Coachella. At first, I cracked a smile while my tears fell on my phone screen, to see how happy I used to be, but shit like this is unrealistic, only a cover-up behind what he really did to me. I forced myself to stop and texted Robyn.

"Robyn please are you awake? I know I could just wake you up next door now that we're roommates but I don't have the strength. Please."

I waited 20 minutes. No response. Of course. It's now 3 am. No one would be awake right now. I got up to go to the bathroom and looked up at the mirror

"I'm so FUCKING tired of feeling like this!" I screamed, "It's been 6 months why can't I just get over it!".

I should shut up before I wake Robyn up. My mascara from earlier smudged, my eyeshadow turned into streaks on my face. Disgusting. I washed it all and tried to catch my breath each time I dipped my face into the water. I looked up and sniffled, "god damn I'm so ugly", I whispered to myself as I applied my skincare routine. I stepped back,

"What are you gonna do with yourself, Solana?". I laid on the bathroom floor and admired my phone background of Edwin Honoret from PRETTYMUCH. His style, his smile, his personality just makes me happy. This specific photo of him with his old pet snake Gucci is my favorite thing In the world. the way he looks at life and his energy just feel like we connect. Even if I've never met him before. I started to play Normal Girl by SZA. I sang along with a brush in my hand on the verge of crying again. "This time next year I'll be living so good won't remember no pain I swearrrr".

Solana, suck it up, I thought to myself. Let's just go get something to eat. That one 24 hour sushi place has always been there for you when no one else was. Why wouldn't it be there for me now? Motivating myself, I got up from the bathroom floor, brushed my hair, and waltz back into my room and into my closet. I slipped on some red biker shorts, an oversized white tee with abstract faces on it, a black puffer jacket, and tasseled my hair to make it look decent then topped it off with a red beanie. My eye bags looked like they were drooping to the floor and my eyes, in general, looked like the Michelin tire man. I looked like a whole mess, except a whole mess with a bit of style. Maybe, a little makeup will help? Even if it's 3 AM I want to look decent for myself I guess. Even though procrastinated on leaving just in case some fucking weirdo might cross my path at a 24hr sushi place at 3 AM. But if I die eating some 24-hour sushi. That's kind of worth it not gonna lie. I lied in my bed for a while, softly singing to "Honesty" by Pink Sweat$. "She said, "Baby, I'm afraid to fall in love Cause what if it's not reciprocated?

I told her, Don't rush girl, don't you rush

Guess it's all a game of patience". I dozed off while taking in each meaning within the lyrics, "She said what if I dive deep? Will you come in after me? Would you share your flaws with me? Let me knowww". I felt that with my whole soul. I guess I'm just going through it more than usual. It's not like it's the first time, but I want it to be the last. My breath was steady with the beat of the song and I felt a sense of peace for a moment. "Cause I want you I want youuu". After the song was over, I finally got up and stopped at the bedroom door. I should leave, I want to leave, but I can't. There's this energy saying I should go, but my anxiety's holding me back. Why can't anything ever make sense in my head? I got up stood at my bedroom door and finally walked out. I approached the front door making sure I'm not loud so Robyn wouldn't wake up. I felt another force take over. This time, it said I should go. Like there was something good for me out there. I walked out headed towards the elevator to the garage. There, I unlocked my car, turned it on, and connected it to the Aux, and headed out.