High school: Auggie x Jack Will

Summer

Jack's POV

The bell rings. Summer and I have the same first class, English. I'm glad. To have Summer with me, I mean. English isn't my best subject. I love writing, it's like my outlet, but English class is just usually so unstructured and I've had the worst luck with teachers. Except for Mr. Brown, of course. But it's been a while since fifth grade.

We walk into the class, not needing to speak to know we're for sure sitting next to each other. We're in this thing together. Summer wants to sit in the front, but I tell her that I'd rather sit in the back, and she backs down from her position easily. I think she feels bad for me. I feel guilty, for taking advantage of her and milking my sadness or whatever, but I've been feeling very lost, and if anyone could tell, it's Summer. Summer is very compassionate, very loyal. I'm not okay with what's been up lately, with me and Auggie. I regret being weird in the stairwell. I was stupid for leaning on him, for not talking and everything.

I don't know what I expected to happen. I guess I was hoping he would be affectionate back. I guess I was hoping he wouldn't leave me there, leaving me alone, letting me remain silent. There by myself. But he did. And it's my fault. I know this is just me being selfish, but I'm at a place where I need someone and I wanted that someone to be Auggie. But he doesn't like me. I have to let it go. I was already weird with him today, and he clearly didn't like that. He'll probably ignore me for a few days, he holds grudges. I love him, but he holds grudges. So I've lost him. Not that I ever truly had him in the first place. Not in the way I've wanted.

I originally became friends with Auggie for pity. And then, after I got in with Julian and his friends again, which I mostly did to fit in; which I know isn't an okay excuse but it was me being stupid, I bullied him. So I became friends with him again because I felt that I owed him, which I still do. The only reason I'll admit that (to myself) is because I've changed since then. I've become less stupid. That, and I fell in love with him. It may have always been there, since I met him that first time the summer before fifth grade, I really don't know. But it sure is there now, and I just ruined every chance I had with him by moving too fast. In a fucking stairwell. I'm an idiot. As much as I like to believe I've changed, maybe I haven't. I'm still just as stupid as I was in the fifth grade. Sad, really.

I try and suppress it. I don't want Summer to notice, but she probably already has. She's Summer. The most caring person I know. I wish I loved her instead, it would be simpler. But I'm incapable. I'm gay, and I'm in love with Auggie Pullman. My straight best friend, who now, quite possibly, hates me. Fun stuff.

As soon as Summer and I figure out the seating thing, I give her a smile and gesture her to go ahead and choose which of the five seats in the back row first. Might as well be the gentleman my parents would want out of me while I can still take it. She smiles back. Good. I've managed to make things less weird, but I'm still internally drowning. I briefly consider fake dating her to avoid people finding out I'm gay, I like her enough as a friend to make it look real for others and feel real for her, but that would be a sucky thing to do and I can't afford to be like that again. That's not me, just me when I'm desperate, but I can resist being that me. Most of the time, I couldn't ten minutes ago when I was practically spooning with my best friend with no explanation or consent (god that was really shitty of me I know) and making things weird for all of us.

The first thing we notice once we're settled in our seats is that there's no teacher in the room. I'd say we're early, but there are other people in the class. I think this is just how high school is. Weird.

The only person I know in the class so far is this girl that is nice to me sometimes, Penelope. She's blonde and has a really pretty smile and kind, piercing blue eyes. She draws all of the time, and she's really good at it, something that instantly reminds me of Auggie. I think she speculates that I'm gay, and I think that's the reason she's nice to me, because very few people are, but I guess it's better than her treating me like a piece of shit for the same reason. It may just be my insecurities talking though. I have a lot of those, in case you haven't noticed.

After five minutes of small talk with summer, and just short of two minutes after the final bell rang, the teacher walked in. He's pretty tall, with prematurely graying hair and bright blue eyes. Mr. Noir. He's carrying a chipotle bag and is eating his guacamole and chips as he speaks. He seems nice. He warns us that he has a weird sense of humor, and likes to scare his students sometimes, especially freshman. I don't mind this, because based on what I've heard about Freshman Friday, and the bullying I already have to deal with, I'm used to it. And if it's coming from an adult, with good intentions, it's fine. I think we'll get along well. I like complicated people.

The class period goes by pretty quickly. Noir has us do one of those "get to know me" games that I dread every year, but it's okay because I have Summer with me.

After class, we pass by Auggie in the hallway, and Summer puts her arm around me and leads me away in front of the nearest set of lockers, before I can see his face to try and get a feel for what he's thinking. I've gotten pretty good at that, from looking at his face all of the time because of how cute I think he is. That's another thing about high school. Apparently no one uses lockers, they just carry their bags all day. Weird.

"Jack, I don't know what's up. Auggie and you Are fighting, huh? I'm sorry. You look like you need to talk. You did a good job at hiding it in English, but you still look upset. Want to come sleep over tonight?"

I put on a smile, "I'd love to, but my parents would never let me on the first school night of high school. Not before I've got it all figured out and shit."

Summer starting laughingly obscurely loudly "Jack it's a Friday, remember?"

"Oh, right," and she was right, it was. "I'd love to."

And she hugged me, pulling me close, but not in a romantic way. In the way I needed in the moment. "Cool beans," she said. And it was a deal. A deal I was happy with, for once.

I'm planning to come out to her. I think I will, at least. She will be the first person, I trust her the most right now. I need to be able to talk openly about my feelings, even if I don't mention that I'm crushing on Auggie. I have a feeling she already knows, though. Maybe I hope she knows. It may make things easier, I wouldn't have to say it out loud. I still haven't done that. As Summer waves me bye to go to her next class, which I didn't think I was in but ended up being in in the end because I'm just a confused worthless freshman, I turn my head and quickly mouthe it. "I'm gay, and I want Auggie to be my boyfriend, but he never will be." Weird.