UNEXPECTED ✰ COLIFER

Chapter 38 ✰ Stages Of Missing You

Jen's pov

It's kind of messed up and it manipulates your mind. The stages you go through in which you miss someone. You usually remember the big moments you shared together. You'll probably remember all the times he bought you flowers or when he took you out for dinner. You wind up looking at old pictures and relive all these moments and al the time you've spent together. Remembering all those beautiful moments hurts. It hurts like hell to think about all the times you swore that no one else in the world could ever replace him. It hurts to even think about hearing his voice, his whispered 'I love you's' in the mornings. You just couldn't imagine a time when these moments would stop. But honestly, this isn't the form of missing someone. This isn't the form that does the real damage. 

The most gut-wrenching kind of missing someone takes form in a different way. It's in the little things. Like how he called you to hear your voice, even if it was four a.m. on a working night. You answered anyway. Or the time he picked you up and spun you around. The way he danced with you to a cheesy slow song. The way you escaped reality with him. You remember the ways he kissed you. How he took his time on every inch of you. The way no one has ever looked at you. Or all those times when he came over late after work with your favorite food. The way he meant it when he told you he loved you. So eager to adore you. So eager to spend every second with you. 

Missing someone is terrifying. Those memories, all the beautiful ones, seem to push out all the dramatic moments. They seem to cover what was really going on in between all of those heartwarming memories. The things you chose to ignore because it was easier to lose the argument than to lose him. But the good things will remain in your head. Remember the I love you's, and the morning kisses. Miss him, but miss it all. The way he should be missed and remembered. 

Colin should be here, standing with his arm around me. I should be able to cuddle up in his arms and kiss him. I just want to lay on his chest and listen to his heartbeat. I've closed my eyes multiple times and spoke to him in a thousand silent ways, but he never answered. Obviously. I try to hide my tears when they talk about him or when they say his name. It's easy to wipe away the tears from my eyes, but the pain in my heart is still the same. 

When I lost you again, I lost myself too. I feel lost and alone and I don't know what to do without you. I don't even know when I became so depending, but I just need you. It feels like a neverending nightmare. The prevailing thought in my head is that you're dead. The second thought is that you're still out there waiting for me to save you. It's hard to carry on and be strong. I know I'll be lost until I find you, so I look for you everywhere. I just know you're out there. Sometimes when the kids and I are strolling around I stop and stare because I think I've seen you, but it's just someone who looks like you. I stare at your pictures willing your eyes to give me a clue, but they don't. I would climb mountains and I would walk endless miles to find you again. Whether you're alive or not, I know I will get over it one day, but somehow I have to go through it. I may not be there yet but I'm closer than I was yesterday. It's so hard to accept. I just miss you, that's all...

'Mommy?'

I blinked away my tears and looked at Ivy standing in the doorway of our bedroom. 'What's wrong, pumpkin?'

She climbed on the bed and sat down beside me as she leaned her head against me. 'You're missing daddy, right?'

I nodded as I wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close to me. 'I miss him a lot'

'Me too'

She wiped some tears from her cheeks with her tiny hands. One of the worst feelings as a parent is seeing your child cry and you can't help them in any way and you just want to cry too.

'Is he coming back?' she sobbed

I grabbed her little face between my hands and caressed her cheeks with my thumbs. 'I don't know, but I do know that he loves you and that he will do everything in his power to get back to us, and back to you.'

Our little moment was disrupted by Mason's wailing. Ivy looked at me with a smile. 'Mason misses him too'

I gently squeezed her cheek. 'We all miss him, little girl.' 

'Is he missing me too?'

'Of course. You are his little princess. He will always miss you.'

My thoughts wandered off to the wonderful time we had in Ireland with the children. Ivy and Colin have had their problems, but their bond was incredibly strong. She was his weakness and she knew it all too well. She loved to climb on top of him or to pretend that he was her horse and she was the princess.

One day she climbed on top of him while they were playing on the floor with her dolls.

'What are you doing, baby?' Colin had asked.

Ivy giggled. 'I'm in charge now!'

Colin quirked his eyebrow. 'Oh really? I don't believe you, princess.'

She started to giggle even harder. 'I am, daddy!' she shouted. 'See? Grrrr!'

'You're not in charge, little one.' Colin said as he tried to get up. Ivy grabbed his arms and held them down.

'Okay, fine... You want to be in charge? Go ahead. What are you going to do with me?'

Ivy giggled and cuddled into his chest. 'My daddy!'

Colin smiled and wrapped his arms around her. 'Yeah, that's what I thought.' 

'Mommy?' Her soft whisper woke me up from my perfect little daydream. 'You're crying...' she said sadly as she grabbed my hand. 'Just like Mason' she added.

I smiled and kissed her head softly. 'Let's comfort your little brother, pumpkin.'