Attached (stucky: Steve/Bucky fanfic)

Through sercurity cameras

A/N: Self harm trigger warning

Steve went to bed, feeling slightly deflated. He could not understand excatly why he felt this way but their steamy moment had shaken him. It just came out of nowhere, they didn't do much, didn't say much but it felt right for some reason.

He tried to brush the thought away as nothing while he checked his phone to see who was ringing him

Natasha

He called her back immediately, knowing that it must be something important

"Hey," Nat greeted

"Hey...?" Steve answered, bemused at the calm tone in her voice "Are you ok?"

"Yeah... I just called to see if I could come to pick up my laptop in the morning?"

"Ok" Steve huffed, annoyedly

"Why the big sigh Rogers?" She asked confused

"It's nothing" Steve brushed off the comment

"Come on dude, I can tell somethings bothering you" she teased

Steve sighed once again

"Well.. if you must know" he started "Ya kinda interrupted a moment, just to ask if you could come to pick up a laptop"

"Wait... Sharon wasn't over again was she... which means... you anysBucky? I always knew you were gay" she exclaimed excitedly

"No.. no no. It wasn't like that"

"Well then what was it like. Come on I NEED ANSWERS STEVE"

"I don't know... things just got weird. But like nice weird. He called me Stevie and suddenly it was 1940 and we were sat outside our apartment looking at the stars."

"Oh my-"

Steve cut her off, rambling without a filter

"It was warm and intimate, it felt unlike anything ever but yet oh so so familiar. I felt paralysed. We were so close all of a sudden and I didn't know what to make. I still didn't know what to make of it. But I saw him look directly at me and it was like my whole world just left me. I had never felt so calm but also conflicted. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't rung. I just forgot who I was for a second that's all"

"You're like a 14-year-old girl Steve" Natasha joked through the receiver

"I'm just glad he's back after so long. He hasn't been acting - normal I guess- but everything just came together so perfectly"

"So gay" She hummed with a laugh

"Stop it" he heaved "Look I'm going to bed, you can come to pick up your laptop tomorrow"

"Thanks, lover boy" she giggled, ending the call

Steve just knew she would be beaming, beside herself, he would have to apologise to Banner for all the incoherent rambling that was about to ensue. And on that thought, Steve felt straight asleep.

----------------------------------------------------------

Tony milled about his office mindlessly like usual, tinkering and playing, only this time there was something more powerful weighing on his mind. James Barnes. He talked it over with Pepper last night in bed and her advice was to forgive him because of course, it was, she was perfect like that. Tony, well he was a little more broken than her.

He was working on a new suit as the problem rested unforgivingly on his chest. He was paranoid. Wanting so much to let this go because every star in the sky told him so yet he was still cursed with haunting images of a single gunshot ending two lives that he wish were still around today.

Laying down a spanner, he diverted his attention to the screen showing the many security cams that were hidden in Steve's safe house. He widened his eyes at one particular screen though, he didn't know what to make of it

------------------30 minutes earlier

Bucky was preparing to leave for China. He had thought about trying to steal some of Steve's possessions but couldn't bring himself to do it. No all he had was a train ticket to the airport and a lowly sactual filled with his blade, a notebook and an old boiled sweet.

Steve was still asleep, he just had to stay asleep as Natasha was the only threat to his plan to escape without being seen and she had already been and gone.

Moving slowly to the counter, he poured himself a smouldering pot of coffee. He liked it hot. Hot enough to burn his tongue. As he sipped the piping liquid he felt a small release of relief. The winter soldier in his head smiled, appeased

He did not get attached

That was good

Wasn't it?

And once again, the voices were at war. Bucky knew full well that Steve would protect him until his dying breath but the voice in his head was going to drown that out with self-doubt and the words HYDRA

YOU ARE JUST A MACHINE

YOU DON'T DESERVE HAPPINESS

And then all of a sudden he was listing off names of people he had killed like some kind of mantra

He was turning

Losing his human side

His coffee mug shattered, decorating the tiled floor with a million ivory pieces, he ran to the bathroom to find some way to release his pain.

------------------- potential trigger starts here

The brunette slammed the door closed urgently, fumbling for his blade before taking a sharp breath in and pushing the blade to his skin untill crimson blood started to show itself. It tricked down his pale skin as he recited the names of his victims one by one.

He slashed deeper and longer with every passing name until he got to the most painful of the lot. Stark.

With this one he had not only hurt them but the entired world now suffered for his crimes

He deserved this

He let out a yell of pain, turning on the tap to disguse the anguish as he refused to remove blade from flesh.

Tiny crystal like tears welled in his glassy eyes. Oh how wrong he was to believe he could ever be fixed, that he could leave the past behind.

After he had reached the ends of the lists of victims. He settled for reciting his trigger words, one by one, stringing out every letter at a low whisper that only he could hear

-----------------------------------

Steve had just awoken as he fiddled with the diamond ring he planned to give Sharon. It glimmered in the morning sun. He couldn't remember the last time he slept this late. He had forgotten what it felt like to wake up not riddled with doubt and misplacement.

*Ring ring*

Stark

"Hey" he hummed through the phone

"Steve; it's Bucky" he breathed with a surge of urgency

"He's not going to a mental asylum Tony. Or a hospital"

"Yes- I mean no that's not what I called to say, I mean I'm still saying that's our best option" he rambled "but you might wanna check on him, like now"

"What, why?"

"Seriously just go, he's in your downstairs bathroom"

"Yeah probably having a fucking shower pervert"

"Steve"

"Can you please tell me why I need to do this right now?"

"Steve!"

"What so you want me to walk in there even though he's probably naked and make him feel even more uncomfortable. Great choice Tony"

"Steve!"

"Just tell me what's so important!"

"HE'S SLASHING HIMSELF GOD DAMITT!"

And Steve was already halfway down the stairs