Stay || c.h. *completed & editing*

Chapter 15.

A/N: this may contain triggering content. remember that you're all beautiful, amazing and loved even if you don't know it. stay strong. x

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Dear Whoever Finds This,

I was done. I'm so sorry that there was nothing you could do. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't survive what was being thrown at me. You can only take so much before you have enough. And I've had too much.

Tell mom that this wasn't her fault. I don't want her to blame herself for what was my own problems and my own mistakes. I shouldn't have listened to her about Calum, and maybe this wouldn't have happened the way it did.

Tell dad that I love him and I'm sorry that I left on such short notice. I didn't ever mean to hurt anyone, and I'm sorry if I did. I love you so much, dad, and I'm so sorry that things had to end this way.

Tell Calum that I'm glad that he gave me what he could. I got what I'd wanted out of life. He showed me new things, he showed me how to live. There was nothing more I could have asked from out of him and I'm so glad that I got what I did.

Tell Alex that I'm sorry I left him too. I'm sorry that the only bit of Laurie he had left is now gone as well, that I'm sorry we couldn't have been friends longer before I left. And thank him for giving me a free tattoo, I never personally thanked him for that and I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry. Don't worry about me, I'm doing better now. I'm beside Laurie, where I was always meant to be. I'm sorry that I couldn't make it any farther without her.

Don't miss me too much, I'm in a better place now.

Love,

Ellie.

~~~

My tears smeared the ink on the letter as I turned the volume of my music up even louder than it was before. I was finally going to end the pain and the suffering.

I crept downstairs and grabbed as many pill bottles as I could find in the kitchen, running back up to my room and closing and locking the door.

I need some time, just deliver the things that I need for now. Everything that I feel is like a warm, deep, calm casting over me, and it's taking me to somewhere new.

I popped open the first bottle, sitting on my floor and shaking a few into my palm. Tears poured down my cheeks as I shoved them in my mouth, washing them down with water.

If you believe that everything's alright, you won't be all alone tonight. And I'd be blessed by the light of your company slowly lifting me to somewhere new.

A few more tears poured down my cheeks as I shakily grabbed a razor that I'd taken from an old pencil sharpener and slashed my wrist. I'd been my first time actually cutting myself and I felt the pain from my chest slowly creeping to my wrist instead.

Oh, can you tell I haven't slept very well since the last time that we spoke? You said, "please understand, if I see you again, don't even say hello." Please.

I pulled the razor across my skin again, cutting another wound open. Blood dripped off my wrist, mixing with my tears on the floor.

What a night is, when you live like this and you're coming up beneath the clouds. Don't let me down. All the love's still there, I just don't know what to do with it now.

I took a deep breath as I set the razor down, reaching for the bottle of pills again. I poured a few more into my hand and washed them down my throat again as my music seemed to drown out the rest of the world.

You know, I still can't believe we both did some things I don't even wanna think about. Just say you love me and I'll say I'm sorry. I don't want anybody else to feel this way.

I cut three more slashes on my left wrist, watching as the blood slowly rose to the surface of my skin. There was a calming aura to it, that made me feel as if now everything was going to be okay.

Can you tell I haven't slept very well since the last time that we spoke? I said, "please understand, I've been drinking again, and all I do is hope."

I washed down pill after pill, until I'd emptied 3 bottles. My hands were beginning to get shaky as I slashed my right wrists, the same number of times I'd cut my left wrists.

Please, stay.

The irony of the song almost made me laugh. That's when I knew that it was kicking in, I was getting to where I wanted to go. The pain was slowly fading by the second. The thought of Calum slowly slipping from my memory.

I'll admit, I was wrong about everything, 'cause I'm high and I don't wanna come down. All the fun that we had on your mother's couch, I don't even wanna think about.

I stared down at my bare thighs, my ripped jean shorts barely covering any of them. I reached for the razor and began sloppily cutting slashes in both of them, unable to feel anything anymore.

I'm not strong enough for the both of us. What was I supposed to do? You know I love you.

I felt my eyes getting heavier and my heartbeat slowing. I looked at my thighs, streaked with blood and cuts, my wrists the same way. I leaned back against my bed, feeling dizzy. My head was pounding as it seemed as though every muscle in my body decided to stop working and suddenly I was unable to move my hands much.

Please stay.

I wanted Laurie to stay. But she didn't.

I wanted Calum to stay. But he didn't.

This song wants me to stay?

I'm not going to.

Stay...

"Eleanor!" I heard my dad pounding on my door, I opened my mouth in attempt to tell him I was fine, to leave me alone, but nothing came out.

My razor dropped from my hands as I slumped against my bed. It felt as though my body was forcing me to fall asleep. I looked down at my floor, the blood drops and the tears smeared around and pills spilled everywhere. I was a mess, and I was finally going to be cleaned up enough to be at peace again.

And just before I closed my eyes, my door swung open and everything was black.

~~~

A/N: this update was short but nO COMPLAINING BC I DID A DOUBLE UPDATE

I'm so sorry this was so depressing. I hope I didn't trigger anyone, I'm so sorry if I did. I love you, stay strong. x