Antagonym

Chapter 41

As soon as the door closed to Beck's apartment, I knew something in the air had changed. I could just sense it. It was most likely due to that almost kiss but I couldn't comprehend what this meant for us. The entire time we were at the bar I was trying to decide Beck's words but I was failing miserably. I had thought Beck only wanted me for sex but now I wasn't sure.

"I can't do this anymore," Beck said from behind me, the sound of the door closing echoing in my ears. I didn't know what to do besides stand there awkwardly. Couldn't do what? Be friends with me? I couldn't afford to lose Beck. After the moment we had just shared in the rain, I thought he felt the same way. I suppose not.

"Can't do what?" I asked softly, hoping he wasn't about to dump me on my ass. Seb couldn't pick up the pieces of what Beck was about to utterly obliterate. It was enough to lose a friend but I absolutely could not lose the man I was secretly in love with. My life was already complicated enough.

"This," Beck gestured between us. His eyes were burning holes in my body as he looked down at me, taking an intimidating step closer. Even in heels he still easily towered over me. "I can't wake up with you in my arms every morning and eat every meal with you, have you confess your deepest thoughts to me and vice versa but not be able to touch you, to kiss you, to have you. Danny, I can't pretend everything is okay. It's not."

"Then what do you want Beckett? Tell me, because I'm so confused by your mixed messages," I fired back with my hands out at my sides, not angry but definitely frustrated. "One minute you're about to kiss me, the next we're making out in a nightclub and your fingering me in hotel rooms but then we're back to platonic friends who never talk about it. What do you want from me? Sex?"

Beck scoffed at me like I had just told him his entire family was made of monsters. "No. I don't want just sex from you, Danielle. But it doesn't matter because all you are going to do is shoot me down like always."

"So what do you want me to do, Beckett? Not talk to you?" I cut him off as he was about to open his mouth to speak again.

"No, Danielle. Can you not tell that I'm in love with the one woman I can't have? But it doesn't matter because you don't feel the same way. I want to be friends with you, Danny. I really do, but I just need space to get over you because this isn't healthy." Beck's calm tone had suddenly turned seemingly hopeless. It hurt me that he was in pain but Beck wasn't making this easier for me.

My body was frozen at the notion that he was in love with me. Beckett Sampson? My best friend? He was in love with me, the woman who couldn't keep a boyfriend loyal for more than three months. "I-"

"You don't have to act nice about it, Danny. It's fine. I just...I realized today watching you up there being such a strong and powerful woman. I just can't keep it to myself anymore. You're so strong and fearless, even if you don't believe it. After everything you've been through, you put everything aside to help other people in similar positions and I find that so amazing; I can't even put into words how high of a pedestal I've put you on. Danielle, I just can't pretend I'm not in love with my best friend anymore."

"Beck, you are not making this easy," I groaned in agony, burring my face in my hands. This shouldn't be the reaction I have when hearing the man I love loves me back. I felt his finger on my chin, tilting my head up. My face was so conflicted, my brows pulled together and a grimace on my lips. But when I saw the disappointment deep in Beck's eyes I didn't know what to do. "You're not supposed to tell me that. Why the hell do you think I kissed you that night in Minnesota? I'm not going to risk everything to kiss some random guy!"

"What are you-"

"I'm saying I'm in fucking love with you, Beck, and I have been since New York. I'm supposed to be getting over you, not having you confess your feelings to me!" I blurted out. "Do you know how hard it has been for me to keep that a secret, thinking you only wanted to mess around with me?"