Sweet Satisfaction (Purple UGC Winner 2014)

Sweet Satisfaction - Forty-Five

Forty-Five

“Tell me what you did, plea-e-e-se?” Susanna jumped up and down on my bed. I froze, jaw clamped together. Best friends shouldn’t keep secrets from each other, but how could I tell her about the more… eyebrow-raising parts of last night?

“Your mother was ever so worried.”

“I know,” I admitted softly, shoulders sagging, biting my lip.

When I had woken up that morning, I was regretting my actions a little. Mother had shouted at me when I had stumbled in at such a late hour. (Thankfully Father was at work and unable to reprimand me.) There had been fresh streams cascading down her white countenance as she wrung her hands, teetering back and forth. I felt tremendously guilty about this and the fact that I was cheating on my husband. My poor, defenceless, wounded husband. Every single day, my heart was cracking further down the middle.

*****

Looking back on the next few days after that, they all just seem one never-ending picture about Bobby. Bobby, Bobby, Bobby. He was constantly the topic that occupied my thoughts. My eyes gleamed and then flared when I thought how I had let myself take matters to such an extreme. The one question that I dared not think was: What if I was with child? I looked over at Susanna, who had listened to me recounting yesterday’s events. Did I dare tell her? I thought of all the young war widows, left to care for their babies. Bobby wouldn’t leave me. Bobby would never leave me. Would he? I had once asked him in the early stages of his correspondence why he was not going to fight, but he had brushed over it. I didn't condemn him if he was too scared to fight, or was a conscientious objector. So long as no-one shamed in the street by presenting him with a white feather.

*****

Dong. Dong. The sun was shining through the window, but coldness stroked our hands and faces, soaking through our clothes’ material onto our arms. Crows cawed as they flapped from the rafters, probably away to a less sombre place. The congregation was immobilized, rigid, in stiff black suits and dresses of crape or bombazine in the colour of death.

I stared at the wall, fists clenched. My father had done this. The vicar’s words could barely be heard over Eliza’s sobs. They weren’t just sobs, they were mangled, twisted, excruciating, screeches of uttermost pain. I remember thinking how I would be responsible for this for the rest of my life. How could I forget Eliza’s pain, and Bobby’s pain? The sight of him crying was enough to make my knees buckle. My stomach churned; had we been selfish to steal that day together, that one so perfect magical day?

Susanna’s small but sharp hand gripped my elbow. She was always there to help me back up, no matter what, and I loved her so fiercely for that. She didn’t judge me for what my father had done; she had stayed strong for me all those nights when I had cried into my pillow, wondering when my father had become so evil.

*****

We stayed for the burial. I needed to stay, to know Mr Vitner was at rest. I could never forgive my father. But I could forgive Mary, for liking Emma more than me, because she was there, my only sister, supporting my cause, It was going to take a long time to get through my internal grieving, even though I had never met this man.  

There was one man, walking through the too-green grass, that wasn’t there to grieve. He was laughing, a cruel, piercing mocking laugh, with every step he took. All the noises around me went fuzzy, like a broken telephone line or a gramophone when you hadn’t got the record on properly and it was spinning around… spinning like my head was now. I didn’t know what to do.

“Elsie.” Susanna had never sounded scared before. Even Emma stopped debating whether the new short-bobbed haircut that women had adopted for practicality would look becoming on her.

He leaned forward. He wore a purely evil grin. My eyes darted over to the mound of soil where Bobby was trying to restrain Eliza as she beat her fists and screeched. I quivered, leaning back.

“I don’t know how you found out, but I don’t care. I will avenge you, Elsie, and your little friends, even if it is the last thing I do. And I never, ever, break my promises.”