Sweet Satisfaction (Purple UGC Winner 2014)

Sweet Satisfaction - Forty-Eight

Forty-Eight

“How long have you been watching me for?” My voice sounded whiney and a little amused, having woken up that morning to find Emma kneeling beside my bed.

“Long enough,” she replied, and I noticed there was a sadness that encircled her, a side of Emma I hadn’t seen, one where she wore a plain nightdress and messy curls and un-powdered cheeks.

I shifted upwards, body and especially my neck aching, and sat cross-legged, eyebrows knitted together. Were we friends, enemies, or somewhere in between? After all that had happened, I wanted us to be friends.

“Your mother sent me away- she and Mary are arguing again.” I sighed.

“Mary thinks she will be left out, replaced, even though she was only the-”

Tears of anger welled in my eyes.

“The jealous little vixen. All she ever thinks about is herself, more than you do, even after last night! It will be I that will be left out and replaced, for if the baby is a boy, I might lose my right as heiress! It has never occurred to me how much this honour really means, I have always hated the reason it was given to me. And it is so bizarre to think they will be eighteen years younger than me- I am old enough to be its mother! I’m all excited and anxious at the same time and Mother is-” I stopped. Why was I telling all my thoughts to Emma?

“Your mother is a very brave woman, Elsie. She didn’t scream once when…he…was.” I nodded, the scenes replaying in my head. I felt horrified at Mother’s explanation as to why Father had really attacked us. She had written in her diary: I am pregnant. Again. My two others were years ago. The first time I ever laid with a man, of course, was with my uncle. And Father had seen this. Mother had gone on to say how it was during the aftermath of her sister’s death- a horrible accident on the Englewood’s farm.

Horrible Accident.

“replaced, even though she was only the-”

“Emma.” She looked up at me.

“Mary’s told you about Benjamin, hasn’t she?” Emma froze.

“HASN’T SHE?” I screamed, pushing myself off the bed. And then I ran out the room, suddenly despising my unborn sibling, and wanting nothing but for my little brother to come back.

*****

I was born first, Benjamin five minutes later, but I still called him my little brother. Father was delighted to have an heir… until that day, when he drowned. It was an accident. He ran off, slipped on the wet grass, and fell in the pond. He was four. Four.

Mother and Father attempted to conceive another son. Mary was delivered instead, and she was such a sickly baby and Mother had such a bad fever that it was decided in a rush that I would be the heiress. I pulled on a mask that said ‘I don’t care’, but ever since the King’s Lynn bombings, it was slowly being pulled off to reveal the frightened little girl underneath, the girl that yesterday had seen her Father for what he truly was: a monster.

*****

I had been thinking all this as I walked to Bobby’s cottage. I so hoped Susanna had gone there and stayed with him. I needed to know she was alright. Butterflies danced under the periwinkle blue sky, whilst the bright orange fringes of the girls who worked in the Munitions factories matched the temperature.

I pushed open the gate to the cottage. Honeysuckle was growing down the wall and the roses seemed so radiant. Then, I realised the door was open. No. No. No. This couldn’t be happening. Not again. I rushed forward, crushing blackberries under my feet, the juice spreading into purple pools. I stopped in the hallway. I grabbed hold of the wall’s edge, closing my eyes as everything spun around me. A gunshot wound was tearing my heart apart. I couldn’t breathe. I could only cry at the scene in front of me:

Bobby and Susanna were kissing.

“No!”                                              

“Elsie!” Bobby flung Susanna away. She let out a little whimper.

“Forgot about me already, did you?”

“Elsie, please. We were going to tell you,” Susanna cried, staring at the floor. I laughed harshly, fists clenching, cheeks burning. This couldn’t be happening. My chest couldn’t be hurting this much. My best friend and secret lover couldn’t have betrayed me. My world couldn’t be shattering in front of my eyes. They were going to tell me.

“This is what you did when you passed on my notes? Did you laugh at me, the naïve little rich girl?” I tried to keep my tone steady and flat, gulping lots as my chest was attacked. I was in so much agony and I felt like I wanted to rip everything up in sight. I wanted to smash everything and let the glass cut into me, so I could feel the hurt. Then, I couldn’t take it any more.

“I TRUSTED YOU!” I screeched. I raced and raced out of the house, across twenty dozen streets, blinded by tears. I tore up the steps to Knowlbodye House.

“John!” I screamed, swinging the knocker into the door, beating my fists against the wood and sobbing and sobbing, “I beg you, I beg you, please take me to Spain with you!”