rants: cuz i have no one to talk to besides myself and even i'm sick of my shit

1: i'm too tired to come up with good title rn so i'll do it later if i remember

january 25th 2019

lmao hi y'all,
so the past couple of months has just been me going on mini hiatuses oops.
i'd say i'm back now for good but like...idk man.

tbch, my reason for not being active much is cuz i don't really like wattpad as much anymore.

idk, it's just my social anxiety has gotten worse, so now i'm literally anxious whenever interacting with people online smh.

right now i'm good, but like, i don't wanna annoy anybody by posting on my message board, and i regret so many of my old comments ugh. i don't want to start a new account but like, there's comments i posted on here when i was 12... it's so cringey and ughgh. just thinking about them makes me shudder ew.

anyway, i kinda miss this. tbh i feel pretty lonely not being on here. i've just been watching a lot of youtube (subscribe to pewdiepie) and doing lots of schoolwork.

it's just that whenever i feel like it's going to be the day i actually get back on wattpad, i get really sad and depressed again and i lose all motivation. this once again happened today, but i'm sick of it so i'm here even though i don't really want to be.

i compare myself to everyone, and that's a problem. like, idk, wattpad and just social media in general kinda bring me down sometimes. just seeing posts about good stuff that's happening for y'all and fun stuff and exciting stuff and having friends and dating and socializing and making memories and living your best life... i know i'm never going to have that and it just kind of sucks.

the thing is, i'm my own worst enemy. i get sad about not living life to the fullest, but at the same time, i genuinely don't want to. it's like i'm two different people. i love being alone so much, i literally wish i could just be a hermit. but also, i really want to always have people around me so i'm never alone again. and at the end of the day, no matter what i do, a part of me is always sad.

sometimes it just feels like i was meant to be sad, and i don't want to pull people down into my pit of misery.

anyways, i'm making myself even sadder now so i'm going to stop with that.

i want to be on wattpad more, so i'll hopefully be updating this more often. i miss sharing my thoughts and feelings. i've just been keeping it all inside me, and telling bits and pieces to my counsellor.

since it's the end of the month now, i thought i'd just sum everything up. some stuff happened!

also, there's literally stuff from 2018 that i didn't even get to talk about because i wasn't online! i never talked about how much i both simultaneously love and hate voltron so much and the absurd amount of bullshit in the last season.

but i keep going off on stupid tangents now. here's my rants of the month:

1. school

basically school has just been a lot lately. i've been doing so many assignments for every class that were just given last minute and it sucks. normally, teachers give out all major assignments before winter break, or at least, right after the break. this semester though, i've been getting more and more assignments in the weeks leading up to exams.

i had to do a history seminar last week and it was so random. like, i think we only had it because the teacher hadn't prepared to teach us anything more. same with my business class. he just randomly assigned a big project to do, along with a culminating activity that i think he had forgot that he had to give us.

for communications technology, i had to make a tabloid newspaper and write stories and create images, and it was worth 15%. then, i had two days to do another culminating, making an anti-bullying poster. (i still haven't finished yet sksk, it's friday and they're due monday)