rants: cuz i have no one to talk to besides myself and even i'm sick of my shit

10: i do be an absolute failure of a human being tho😌 i'm not graduating

august 13th, 2020

omg 2 updates in a month?!?! crazy, i know😌

you're never gonna believe it, but... i'm sad
wow, who saw that one coming?

so, long story short, i'm a failure of a human being💞🧚‍♀️✨

not even an opinion, just a fact

what sparked this realization was the fact that my school announced that in order to graduate, i still need to complete my 40 volunteer hours

i'm going into my final year of high school and i have 0 hours (((,:

technically i have 5 hours from doing the school gardening club but i don't even have access to the information that shows i did it so i actually have nothing

but now, i have to somehow complete them all online; which, in theory, should be better for my social anxiety, but it just isn't

i'm just... i wanna die omfg wtf

like wtf am i supposed to do? people are being laid off, nobody wants a volunteer! and idek what counts as volunteer hours anymore!!

my mom sent me this from the school board website ig(??) i looked real hard to find where it's from but i couldn't find it and all she would say is "it's on the website" so idfk

so like, ik there's options but i'm just struggling. the thought of doing any of these stresses me out to the point where i want to cry

i have 3 weeks left before school starts so i know i need to act fast but i just can't bring myself to do it

i'm such a fucking mess

i feel embarrassed and ashamed that i haven't done any hours bc i know everyone is just going to think i'm lazy (which my parents already think) but i'm just so so scared

and i have tried to get my hours!!

• i wanted to help out with girl guides/scouts, but my emails were ignored

• i wanted to help out with the library, but my multiple emails, and in-person visits were ignored

• i wanted to work at a charity event but it was cancelled

• i wanted to do tutoring, but even though there was an online posting for it, they didn't need any help

• i helped out at sort of a daycare-like place for an hour, but i don't count it because i had a panic attack and had to be alone the whole time🥴✌️

• i was going to help out at an event, but they already had too many volunteers and also i had a panic attack and sobbed all the way home🤪✌️

• before the whole pandemic, i wanted to volunteer at goodwill, but i can't really do that now

so... there were attempts, none of which worked out

and i just don't know wtf to do, i feel like i can't do anything like a normal person without breaking down

so from this realization, i started noticing how helpless i am to do anything for myself

i'm moving out next year and yet:

• i can't cook

• i can't clean

• i don't know how to do laundry

• i can't drive/don't have a car

• i haven't had a job

• i don't have money or a credit/debit card

i just feel like i've been so sheltered my whole life that i don't know how to do anything myself, and that's fucking terrifying. i feel like such a failure

not to be paranoid, but i honestly feel like my parents planned this. my mom has literally told me that i'm not allowed to move away for university. she always brings up how i should just stay home and let her take care of me. they've never pushed me to get a job, or even do any chores, so i just like... haven't

and it's so embarrassing, i feel so spoiled and guilty when everyone else my age is doing these things and i still complain about my life and my parents

i hate it. my dad lived with his parents till his mid-thirties when he and my mom got married... that's not going to be me, i refuse

there's so much to learn and i don't even know where to start

it's so overwhelming, like i'm finally at the point where i don't actively want to kill myself, but i feel like i should because my future ain't bright

i'm so dependent on my family even though i want to be on my own more than anything, and it sucks

i'm really out here, disappointing people left and right

i want to talk to my counsellor about this stuff but i can't because of quarantine. technically the office is open but idrk how it would work? like, are we sitting 6 feet apart and i'm yelling my problems while i cry into my mask???

i have her on instagram but, believe it or not, i'm also a pussy who hates texting first

i've just been thinking of a lot lately, and it's like, while my mental health is improving, i'm realizing how stupid and unprepared i am for the real world

i don't think i've cried at all this year, but thinking about this stuff, i'm real close

i feel like such a fuck-up

anyways, that's all lmao
i just had to get this out in the open ig
i love you all
-em