rose epidemic

lanceolata

a few weeks pass.
youve fallen straight for tord again matt.
but hes....changed
you think?
you cant remember but
this is weird.
why would you fall in love with this?
this man whos torturing you with his words and laughing at you for your feelings?
that just doesnt seem right
it doesnt seem like thats who he was but...

he honestly very well could have been like that.
you blocked out every memory you had of him..
and now hes back and-
despite everything
despite... what he says to you
despite him hurting your mind constantly,
you want a life with this man.
you want to marry him.
you want to die with him.
you want to fall for him 10 times over.
hes just so perfect- in the most fucked up ways imagineable..

"come get your food, dumbass."

"youre so stupid."

"wow, what an idiot."

"yeah go ahead and cry like the fucking newborn you are, dipshit."

"i wish you were never born."

"i wish your mother disowned you."

"i hope youll die soon."
etc.

these words scar your skin and stab your heart.
but honestly..

no matter how evil...
how indescribably rude he is to you..

you still love him...
and youre in the wrong for that...
you know he's hurting you.

so why dont you leave? why cant you man up to him?

its not that easy is it matt?
huh?
you cant tell him to fuck himself and shrivel in a volcano?
all the times hes abused you with his mouth...
you cant count them-
it happens so fast and you roll with it.
no matter how...badly you want to show him how strong you are.
how confident you are.
how sick of him you are.

you know you cant.

because you know that those are lies.

youre not strong.
youre not confident.
youre not sick of him.
you know you need him.
you love him.

hes right.

hes always right.