Martha My Dear

Chapter 20

"I hope you lot know Brian's going to send out a bounty for your heads when he finds out you've left." Pattie retorted, slightly worried for them as we walked to a nightclub a couple of blocks down the road.

"What mother Brian doesn't know won't hurt her." John sang high pitched, taking a deep inhale of a joint from beside me, passing it over with to me a complacent grin.

I took a deep inhale of it, seeming to thoroughly impress John before passing it over to Paul.

I laughed at how terrible the disguises they wore were as I watched Paul fix his hat irratatedly, knowing they only probably drew more attention to themselves with them on then if they went out as themselves.

I watched two young girls walking past us seemingly oblivious to the fact of who the boys were, only seeming to think it was a group of good looking young men with glasses and hats as they waved to the boys flirtatiously, one winking at Paul before they passed.

Paul smiled before looking back over to me and realizing the sour look on my face. It still didn't resonate well with me how long his history with wooing women was, although I knew well that was the lifestyle he'd always been accustomed to as a performer, I didn't want to fear the constant "what if's" of whether he was true or not.

He leaned down and kissed me softly as if to reassure me that he didn't care about the attention from the girls passing by, easing my thoughts slightly.
                         ____________

Later on that night, when we'd all been clubbing and drinking, the disguises seeming to have been abandoned sometime in the midst of the parting, everyone seemed to split in separate directions. John and I being the only ones left sitting across from one another at a booth near the back of the dimly lit club as Paul went to grab some more drinks from the bar.

"Charlie, so tell me, what's a girl like you see in a guy like Paul?" John asked curiously with a glass of scotch in his hand once Paul had just left, puffing on a cigarette in the other.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked with the corners of my lips turned upwards in amusement.

"Well you seem so, sweet, Paul y'know, well you know what happened to him and Jane." He spoke seeming to be concerned for me.

"You think I'm sweet?" I batted my eyelashes teasingly having been trying to avoid those thoughts myself, watching him roll his eyes, sticking his tongue in his cheek.

"All I'm saying is you look like someone who's ready to settle down." He spoke plainly with a shrug, putting the cigarette to his lips cockily as if he knew exactly what I was thinking.

My face fell slightly, wondering if his statement had truth to it. I hadn't dated someone seriously in a long time, ever since William. Sure I had gone on the occasional horrible date that usually had Audrey involved in some way or another, but I haven't cared to settle down with someone in years.

"Charlie, John, come dance!" Pattie exclaimed interrupting my train of thought, she came into sight drunkenly, holding George's tie over her shoulder as he followed closely behind, still wearing said tie.

John looked at me with a grin, beginning to rise from his seat.

"Where's Paul?" I asked with a small grin, only to look over and see him stuck talking to three girls over at the bar, causing my stomach to drop unsure the topic of conversation.

"Let's go then, he's obviously busy." I spoke abruptly seeing John glare in Paul's direction as I turned back, he having put on his thick rimmed glasses too see through the crowd.

I took John's hand and followed George and Pattie out to the dance floor feeling dazed, feeling very quickly overwhelmed by everything around me. The room spun slightly as I'd been smoking and drinking more than I'd ever usually while partying.

"Are you alright?" I heard John questioned over the loud boom of music from the band playing.

"I'm great." I smiled widely back at him trying to convince myself, although quickly failing, my lip quivering as my eyes quickly began to water from his inquiry.

His expression softened, quickly steering me to a more discreet spot away from everyone in the corner of the club.

"Don't cry love." He looked sorrowful as he pulled a handkerchief from his suit pocket.

"I'm frightened to lose him John, I-I don't know if what happened to Jane is going to happen to me too, I just can't handle if he were to cheat on me." I gushed my fears in a vulnerable state to John all at once longing to talk to someone about it.

"He broke things off with Jane for you Charlie, he didn't do that for Maggie, he-" John tried desperately to stop me from crying, wiping away my tears with the handkerchief gently.

"-Maggie?" I questioned, my voice cracking.

"I take it he hadn't told you." John looked horrified, retracting his hand from dabbing away my tears.

"Don't tell me he had a mistress too." I shook my head, disgusted by the thought of it.

"Charlie-" John began to try and explain Paul's actions.

"I can't do this with him, how could I trust him?" The hurt evident on my features, feeling as if my heart was breaking in half with every passing second.

Paul was clearly a heartthrob that I didn't know if I could trust, and yet, I think I loved him.

"I feel ill." I held my stomach feeling as if I were about to vomit, running away from John to the washrooms, hearing him call for me as I did so.

Rushing into a stall and locking myself in it, I hunched over the toilet seat, spilling my guts into it, feeling the tears rolling down my heated cheeks. I flushed the toilet collapsing to the ground, begging to sob.

I couldn't believe I'd allowed myself to fall for him so easily, not knowing if he reciprocated the feeling, or even cared for a monogamous relationship as I did.

After a few moments I heard the clicking of high heels against the tiled floor, stopping right outside of the stall I was in.

"Charlie." I heard Pattie knock softly, sounding frightened to upset me.

"I think I love him Pattie." I choked on the words.

She stayed silent for a moment, unsure of how to respond.

"He doesn't care to be loved, does he?" I bit my lip, picking at my nails dejectedly as I held back a sob.

"Charlie, Paul wants to be loved more than anything. He's made mistakes, some really bad mistakes, but I think that was all behind him when he met you." I heard Pattie lean against the door of the stall.

To some extent I related to what Pattie was explaining, I wasn't a saint myself, and neither was Paul, the only difference was how much prevalent his problems still seemed to be.

"Come and join me  please love?" She asked hopefully.

I got up hesitantly, opening the door to see her face wash over with relief.

She immediately brought me into a hug sorrowfully.

"You need to talk about this with Paul. It's the only way for things to get better." She advised sincerely.

"I know." I whispered with a sniffle, afraid of what would come next.