The Hunger Games Katniss Everdeen Blogs

Not just a Pawn in your Games

It's a few hours before the Hunger Games officially begin, and I think it's safe to say that I'm perfectly petrified. As if the weight of the Games starting so soon isn't enough, there's also quite a bit of drama going on between Peeta Mellark and I.

Ever since I first met Peeta, we've had a sort of rocky relationship. He saved me from starvation when I was only twelve years old. Since then, he's only done more things to make me feel indebted to him, such as covering for me when I recognized an Avox. But how can I be kind to him when I'm supposed to kill him in the arena? I can't even imagine myself thanking Peeta for all of his acts of kindness to me while sticking a knife in his gut. Even though I'm destined to kill him, I can't help thinking that we aren't entirely enemies.

In his interview, Peeta told the whole entire county of Panem that he liked me for years! That was the most embarassment that I've ever felt in my entire life! To make matters worse, a dozen cameras were zoomed in on my face, making sure that the entire country could see that I was as red as that apple I shot an arrow through in my assessment. I just hope that the televisions in District 12 are so bad that my mother and Prim can't make out my discomfort.

Once the interviews were over, my embarrassment quickly turned into anger. I understood why Peeta asked to be coached separately for the interviews. He had planned to make a fool of me all along! My anger fuming, I pushed Peeta into a flower vase, causing him to fall. I felt guilty as I realized that the shards of pottery from the vase caused his hands to begin to bleed. But my anger had overshadowed my remorse.

It wasn't until Haymitch explained what Peeta's logic was that I realized how foolish I'd been. Peeta helped me by telling Caesar Flickerman about his romantic feelings for me. The Capitol loves the idea of star-crossed lovers, two people who are not meant to be together, but by some unknown circumstances, they end up getting closer and closer to each other..

Ugh! All this sappy romance stuff is going to make me vomit worse than Haymitch does after drinking too much wine. The main idea is that Peeta helped me to get more sponsors, people who want to support me, who want me to win the Games. I need to add that to the constantly-growing list of reasons why I'm forever indebted to Peeta Mellark.

Even though I apologized for hurting Peeta's hands, I still feel really bad about it. The Hunger Games will start in a few hours, and it's not like Peeta's allowed to bring ointment for his injuries into the arena. I just hope he knows how bad I feel. The last time I saw him, things didn't go too well...

Just a few minutes ago, I got back from the roof. I couldn't sleep so I went up there to get some fresh air and to maybe clear my head from all my nerves about the Games. To be honest, I wasn't even that surprised when I saw Peeta on the roof. I had a hunch that he would be there.

On the roof, Peeta said something to me that left me puzzled. He told me that he wants to die as himself. I understand that Peeta doesn't want the Games to turn him into a mindless killing machine, but aren't there bigger things to be concerned about than that?

My first priority in the Hunger Games is to find food, water, and shelter. Hopefully a bow and some arrows, too. Aren't survival skills more important to Peeta than maintaining his self-identity?

Maybe he thinks that he doesn't stand a chance in the Hunger Games. There's normally a huge fight over supplies on the very first day, and a handful of tributes die. It's possible that Peeta thinks he might be one of the dead. Peeta also could have meant that he isn't just some weak pawn that the Gamemakers can knock over whenever they feel like it. He doesn't want to be the punching bag of the Gamemakers, the other tributes, or the Capitol, and neither do I.

Which is why it's so important that I can't let myself die. I promised Prim that I'll win the Games for her. Prim, if you're watching this, I want you to know that I will not let you down. I swear. In just a few hours, I'll be in the arena. I can't stumble through the first day being too tired to do anything. I need to get some sleep.

The next time you'll see me will be in the arena, participating in the Hunger Games. Wish me luck.